Love Ethics

From Love Therapy to Love Ethics – Draft 1

By Smooth Jazz on August 20th, 2008

INTRODUCTION

Love Therapy Defined

Love Therapy was developed by Dr. Ralph Ankenman in the 1970’s. Dr. Ankenman was a medical missionary in the 60’s, then did mission work in the United States before returning to his home in Cedarville, Ohio to resume his medical practice. He was burdened because so many of his patients would return with the same complaints. He prayed for wisdom and saw that people who loved others in immature ways developed emotional and physical problems. While attending Ohio State University (1977-79) to complete a Letters in Psychiatry degree, he taught Love Therapy to a group of people from “Layman’s Challenge for Today” (an early Xenos group). The group attended his lectures every Wednesday night for three years. This paper is a compilation of his basic premises.

Love Therapy identified strategies people use to fill the deep loneliness in their hearts caused by “Immature Love,” as he called it. Dr. Ankenman tried to help people develop “Mature Love,” or the ability to give love, by recognizing how Immature Love strategies were causing anxiety, depression and other emotional problems which often triggered physical problems. The key to solving most emotional problems is victorious love output, he taught. This begins with developing a grateful and a heartfelt love for God and others. This is certainly a core biblical approach to a healthy lifestyle. As gratitude is developed and Mature Love is practiced, the emotional problems greatly diminish.

Love therapy identifies five general Realms of Activity in which people develop emotional problems through Immature Love, or gain healing through Mature Love. Although these problems may be associated with the actions or attitudes of other people, it is essential to take personal ownership through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and end this suffering. Inevitably, people suffer from their own failure to practice Victorious Love Output through problems such as an inability to forgive or demanding love (rather than building it).

The Process in Love Therapy

People do not change by themselves. Through the loving support and instruction made possible in the Body of Christ, people can grow in maturity (See Eph. 4:14f). We commonly call this process the work of ministry. Love Therapy is a subset of that process, focused on changing destructive behaviors learned in the past, and building a victorious future by learning to love God’s way. This process of change involves:

1. Identify the Immature Love strategies employed to get love. These are love-taking expectations and activities called Love Demands which are the root cause for our emotional problems.
2. Building gratitude as an emotional foundation and ultimately a replacement for anger, anxiety, and depression.
3. Learn how to practice Mature Love by giving love, irregardless of the reactions of others. Maturity means the freedom to choose, by the power of God, to give love according God’s definition of love. By faith we know God’s approach will eventually bring emotional stability and positive love feelings.

This paper will attempt to define biblical love which can then become a basis for identifying various Immature Love strategies employed to get love.

The Incorporation of Love Ethics

What Dr. Ankenman taught is clearly biblically-based, and not the product of one man’s personal observations as a clinician. They represent ethicsas taught in scriptures: “Let all that you do be done in love.” (1 Cor. 16:14) For decades, various attempts have been made to capture Dr. Ankenman’s lectures in a more systematic format which identifies the biblical foundations for this body of knowledge. As modern culture continues to grow more confused about Mature Love, it is becoming increasingly difficult to raise Christian workers and leaders with the background and framework to sustain prolonged ministry efforts. This affects the quality of Body Life itself.

Christian literature which describes the biblical framework for love is woefully scant and often misses the significance of Mature Love. In 2007 Katey Downs, head of Xenos Pastoral Counseling, and Keith McCallum, Xenos Sr. Pastor, collected all the known material from Love Therapy and attempted to distill it into what they termed “Love Ethics”, which are the ethical imperatives found in the Bible. Love Ethics provides a biblical framework for teaching and applying Love Therapy in everyday Christian life. The principles in this paper are broadly based on Dr. Ankenman’s teachings, considerably augmented with scriptures and explications from the Love Ethics project.

SECTION ONE

BIBLICAL LOVE DEFINED

Biblical love is a commitment to give loving concern to others for their good, in every area, without demanding a specific response.

We call this concept Mature Love, which is synonymous with the concept of “love-giving” and should be distinguished from “love-taking,” which is the epitome of Immature Love.

“Maturity” in a practical sense means having the ability to not only take care of oneself, but others as well (see Eph. 4:28, where “stealing” certainly includes love-taking, and “sharing” must include love-giving). Thus people commonly ask, “Do you have the maturity to become a parent?” It questions one’s ability to take care of more than personal needs.

“Immaturity” is evident when someone is unable to take care of himself, like a child who needs parental care. In the relational realm some people seem to never grow up, even though they become adults physically, because they never seem to cross the line from being love-takers (immature) to love-givers (mature).

Two Love Capacities

Love Relationships do not appear magically, as in a “Cinderella Love” story. Real-world love requires an ability to love. God created humans with two important and complimentary capabilities which make it possible to form the uniquely powerful relationship we call “love.” These capacities (abilities), which are called Permanent Love Values (PLVs) and Present Love Feelings (PLFs) impact each other either negatively or positively, so attention must be given to each.

Permanent Love Values: also called “The Love Bank.” These are a collection of beliefs and practices people employ in building love relationships. We already mentioned the mythical “Cinderella Love” story which imagines that love occurs spontaneously and lasts forever without any problems. But all relationships–even non-emotional ones like in business–occur because more than one person makes deliberate choices and takes real-world action to make the relationship materialize. These choices and actions are embedded deeply within our experience, character, and beliefs, so they are “Permanent” as opposed to “transient” and temporary. Still, they do change with added understanding and experience, so we must use the word “Permanent” loosely.

The ability to create love relationships and recognize the difference between loving and unloving arise from our Permanent Love Values (PLVs). This is where PLVs act like a repository, or a Love Bank, able to build and make use of the emotional reserves generated by love relationships. These emotional reserves are a vital source of fuel for all human activity, and those having the ability to create and use these reserves wisely are those having strong PLVs.

Reinforcing Activities:The warmth of Thanksgiving or Christmas family gatherings, “Tribe Night”, “Family Night”, Cell Groups, “daddy-kid night”, marriage, discipleship relationships, evangelistic and ministry efforts, personal devotions, prayer, Bible studies, child-raising, ministry houses, and many other activities which habituate long-term PLVs.

Present Love Feelings: this is the ability to feel emotions in the here-and-now real world where relationships take place, and thus the emphasis is on present as opposed to past. In order for any relationship to qualify as a loving relationship which meets our heart-felt needs for love, it requires present-day interactions which are emotionalin nature. This does not mean constant emotional contact, but Present Love Feelings (PLFs) must occur close enough in the present to build emotional reserves in the Love Bank. This is important because suffering, trials, and difficult circumstances make withdrawals from the Love Bank. There are times when we are going through a difficult time and a friend may send a card or say an encouraging word, and those little acts of kindness (PLFs) make deposits in the Love Bank.

To reach the ideal of Mature Love and identify the problems keeping people stuck in Immature Love, Love Therapy focuses on the interactions between these two love capabilities, describing the effects and the changes necessary to grow:

Realms of Activity in Biblical Love

Love is far greater than mere emotions: a fact which eludes most people. Love engages other people in a Love Relationship where the miraculous transformation from Depravity to Redemption occurs. The Bible describes five “realms of activity” in which Mature Love is engaged. These activities work together as a whole in Mature Love, and are found missing or imbalanced in Immature Love. Remembering the acronym GEARS is helpful in remembering these activities:

1. Gracious/Forgiving – Ephesians 4:32
2. Emotional – Romans 12:15
3. Redemptive Discipline – Hebrews 12:5-13
4. All – John 3:16
5. Sacrificial – Mark 10:45

Since all our relational and emotional problems can be traced back to a failure in some way to understand and practice Mature Love, these activities help us identify the practical ways we need to mature.

The Sacrificial Activity of Love

Mature Love is sacrificial as described in passages like Mark 10:45, where Christ explains his own life-sacrifice at the cross. This tremendous act of self-sacrifice was driven by a clear priority which Christ never lost sight of: “The Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve.” Positive servitude describes the example of Christ (as opposed to the negative criticism employed by Immature Love to initiate change). Sacrificial love means to give loving concern for the good of another, and not react or lash back to protect oneself.

In John 15, Jesus says, “Greater love has no man than that he lay down his life for his friends.” This is how Christ lived. He also commanded believers to “love one another as I have loved you.” (John 15:12, 13:34.) His intention was that out of gratitude for his great love for us, we would love others the same way.

Biblical descriptions of sacrificial love include:

Initiative is paramount. Although “no one seeks for God” (Rom. 3:) we find that “while we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.” (Romans 5:6). Put differently in 1 John 4:19, “We love because he first loved us.” This means that positive sacrificial love is an active, rather than a passive concept. Mature Love does not require that the other person even request help. Initiative is always as an opportunity to love, not a burden. The creativity and work needed to devise ways to initiate love is the most fulfilling and significant way to exercise our gifts and design as humans.

Love Demands have no place in Sacrificial Love. Love Demands are love-killers because they place illegitimate and negative expectations on others. Examples include, “No one has called me on the phone,” or that, “It’s always me who has to do the asking,” and any number of similar arbitrary rules. In God’s definition of love, there are no demands. By holding expectations over other people, we are creating an arbitrary and ungodly definition of love, which is of course Immature Love.

Dumb Sacrifice is not sacrificial love. Dumb Sacrifice is compliance to the illegitimate Love Demands of Immature Love. Dumb Sacrifices are selfish in nature caused by either avoidance of conflict or hoping for approval, and merely deepens immaturity and increases Love Demands. Luke 6:27-36 provides good examples of how to sacrificially respond to the illegitimate Love Demands of others: rather than reacting negatively or self-protectively, the Sacrificial Activity of love uses Love Authority (described later) to stop the Love Demands.

Sacrificial Love has a positive emotional impact on people. Because we are emotional creatures and because love relationships are emotional, there is an emotional impact for every relational interaction. The impact will either be positive or negative; redemptive or destructive. Victorious Love Output means understanding how we might affect others negatively, for example: Why do I seem so self-protective to others? Why do I seem so defensive to others? Why do I get so angry, or seem to be angry with others? The work of Love Therapy is to understand our negative impact on others, identify the Love Demands underlying this negativity, and understand the sinfulness at work in our Love Demands. This is the “blindness of sin” at work which makes it impossible to understand how God wants to sanctify us. Sacrificial Love is redemptive in that the legitimate need of the other person is considered beyond any personal discomfort felt.

All personal rights are waived in Sacrificial Love. “Personal rights” are the basis for Love Demands. Christ as Creator more than anyone had rights, yet these were all voluntarily waived when he came to earth (Phil. 2:1ff). He demonstrated it when he bent down and washed the disciples’ feet, when he allowed himself to be crucified even though completely innocent. Christ once never complained, “It isn’t fair!” Mature Love rejects the right to be treated in a certain way, even if that right is legitimate. Sacrificial love instead understands the basic unfairness of life, and how self-sacrifice rises above life’s unfairness. (John 10.18).

Thankfulness is a prerequisite for developing the maturity capable of genuine sacrifice. Sometimes sacrifice is tied to hidden Love Demands which eventually surface as complaints and demands for fairness. These would never occur in the presence of a thankful heart. We must choose between either justice or thankfulness as the basis for our love relationships. It is impossible to mix the two. Thankfulness begins with responding thankfully to the initiative God has already taken to change us. Responding to God’s initiative with thankfulness is the only possible response, because demanding justice with God means demanding condemnation. From the justice perspective, we deserve only hell. With a thankful perspective it possible to undertake the difficult work of scrutinizing our illegitimate Love Demands and transforming them into Sacrificial Activities.

Not all relationships are Sacrificial.Justice and fairness still (supposedly) govern the business world and civil society. Jesus made the distinction, “Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s, and to God that which is God’s” (Luke 20:25). Relationships in business, crime and punishment, and a just war are not love relationships. These deal more with social ethics than with individual love ethics.

Sacrificial Love is not primarily a feeling of affection for another person – although it certainly includes affection and many other vital Positive Love Feelings. Instead, Sacrificial Love is primarily the action of serving another (see John’s definition in 1 John 3:17). When learning to love sacrificially, a fierce battle rages between the flesh and the spirit (Galatians 5:17.) The choice to be serving and the activities of serving can still occur in the absence of positive feelings. Because Mature Love is a Free-Will commitment rather than a feeling, our definition of love begins with the phrase, “A commitment to give loving concern…”

Present Love Feelings are a byproduct of the Sacrificial Activity in Mature Love, but not the trigger for Sacrificial Activity. We engage in Sacrificial Activity by faith, because we know God’s Word is the only reliable and stable way to build Victorious love. God’s Word is clear that feelings follow action, which in turn comes from faith. The importance of the faith-practice-feelings scenario cannot be overemphasized. This means it is possible as someone becomes more mature to have feelings of compassion for an enemy.

Self-sacrificial servanthood is probably the most central theme in biblical love ethics.

The Forgiving (Gracious) Activity of Love

Jesus emphasized the need to forgive others (Matt. 6:14-15; 18:21-35). This is not an optional component of love, because all the bitterness, the past score of perceived wrongs and acts of revenge are not only excluded from biblical love (1 Cor. 13:5; Romans 12:19; Eph. 4:32), but they are terribly destructive. Human depravity is built around such bitterness and revenge (see Romans 1:23ff).

Our ability to forgive is based on the fact that God forgave all our sins–not just the easy ones to forgive. The following biblical principles define forgiveness:

Our practice of forgiveness must be complete and without exception(Col. 3:13, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”) This is because we can never appropriate or understand the complete and total forgiveness of God towards us unless we know what it’s like to forgive others. Beyond the obvious inconsistency of receiving God’s forgiveness while still refusing forgiveness to others, there are significant implications to such hypocrisy. Foremost among the many problems with holding grudges is the inability to understand and appropriate God’s forgiveness in our lives. This is taught extensively in scripture (Matt. 6:12; 1 Jn. 2:9,11). Stated positively, the recognition of our own sins and gratitude for the depth of God’s forgiveness provides motivation to voluntarily forgive others.

Forgiveness is foundational to any Mature Love relationship. This is the only way to approach love with sinful humans. It means there is first a deliberate choice to forgive before any further progress is possible in the love relationship. Negotiations and demands for concessions or apologies or expecting change from others means building a relationship based on some arbitrary “fairness” or code of justice. Relationships are rooted in love or justice, but not both. We employ either God’s definition of love or make up our own love-rules, but not both: “My ways are notyour ways,” God warns us, and the conditions for forgiveness we place on others will inevitably distort our understanding of God’s ways. (See Heb. 12:15; Eph. 4:26)

Forgiveness is not a basis for all relationships. As with the Sacrificial Activity above, business and relationships in civil society are not forgiveness-based. This may be an obvious point, yet people get confused and attempt to treat love relationships like business relationships quite often. (This will be covered more under the Work Substitute, below.)

Forgiveness is an activity, not merely a principle.Jesus Christ died on the cross and underwent the harsh judgment of God to forgive us our sins. This is because forgiveness necessitates paying a price for the sins of another. We know this biblically as propitiation. Relationally, it means facing and forgiving someone’s wrongs by compensating for their wrongs. At times this means being long-suffering(Eph. 4:2 sometimes translated “tolerance”) and “bearing one another’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2). At other times it means the willingness to engage someone you know from experience will most likely hurt you, the way Jesus faced the cross (Lk. 23:34, “Father forgive them…they know not what they do”).

Unresolved anger and resentments involving current or past wrongs will derail relationships and the effects will spread into personal spiritual growth. Resentment and hate are terrifically destructive to emotions and physical health, as the medical profession has established from abundant research. The depression, alienation, and hostility resulting from lack of forgiveness will spread into other relationships as well, because the problem never rests with the other person: it grows inside and can cripples one’s ability to function and face demanding tasks in life. If a person will not forgive someone who has hurt them, they will have a very hard time believing they can be forgiven.

The Redemptive Discipline Activity of Love

Vast passages of scripture define real love as including the responsibility to discipline, admonish, rebuke, or stop others for their own good. (Matthew 18:11-14; Romans 16:17; 1 Cor. 5:5-7; 2 Cor. 7:8-12; Gal. 6:1; Col. 1:28; 3:16; 1 Thess. 5:14; 2 Thess. 3:6,14; 1 Tim. 5:1-2; 2 Tim 2:24-26, 3:16-17; Titus 1:13; Heb. 12:5-12; 3John 9-10, plus others). When dealing with Christians we should be guided in the application of discipline by the desire and goal of seeing others conformed to the image of Christ, or grow up to “the fullness of the stature of Christ.” (Rom. 8:29; Eph. 4:13-15). When dealing with non-Christians, the goals are much lower, but there still exists a basis for discipline – mainly focusing on general principles of relating which we can negotiate with others for the common good.

Qualities of biblical Redemptive Discipline:

Redemptive Discipline casts out fear (1 Jn. 4:18). Immature Love sees the sin in other people’s lives and withdraws into a world dominated by self-centered fear. Mature Love moves forward into a person’s life, despite their sin, and disciplines where necessary, despite threatening reactions.

Redemptive Discipline stems from Forgiveness. Just as thankfulness is foundational to forgiveness, forgiveness is foundational to discipline. Without forgiveness, discipline is revenge. Without Redemptive Discipline, forgiveness means passivity in the face of evil. Because of our forgiveness, “The Lord disciplines those he loves.” (Hebrews 12:6)

Redemptive Discipline cannot become confused with principle of fairness or justice(see Matthew 20:1-16). Redemptive Discipline is not aimed at punishment for wrongdoing, but rather aimed at changing the other person for the better, and protecting those being harmed. Mature Love is entirely “unfair” or “irrational” because it gives more grace than is warranted by someone’s attitudes or actions. It also means different people can be treated differently, even though their actions are identical: the difference is determined by what is required to initiate change. A srong-willed person may require more pressure than someone who is not as resistant.

Redemptive Discipline is always future-oriented. The goal is redemptive change–that is, trying to “purchase” or “redeem” value out of a person damaged by depravity. Justice is always focused on the past, matching the punishment to the crime. This means someone may not need any punishment at all if they change. Likewise, we are not bound by first, second, third-strike rules, and even a first offense may require significant discipline if it might save someone from going down a path of no return. The point is that a clear goal for change must be in view for any discipline to be considered redemptive.

Redemptive Discipline is never the product of anger. Discipline is a measured, wise response to observed behavior or attitudes, whereas anger is a loss of self-control (see Prov.13:24, where discipline is literally to “seek you with earnest”). Sinful anger always arises from a selfish reaction to the violation of one’s perceived personal rights.

Strong emotional force (which may appear to be anger) may be necessary in a disciplinary actionto stop irrational, emotional behavior. Such “anger,” is predetermined, however, and not the reactionary, sinful anger described in Eph. 4:26. Jesus demonstrated anger when cleansing the temple, and nobody dared to interrupted him. Some people will listen only when the temperature is turned up. Many Christians are “stuck” in their efforts to love others because they have not learned to “Speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:25-27) in an effective way that calls for change. Mature Love discipline is like learning a new language. Because Mature Love is not afraid of hurtful reactions, and because security is drawn from the Lord, it becomes possible to weather the attacks of immature people.

Redemptive Discipline is always aimed at promoting Mature Love in another person. Petty issues are disregarded, and a hierarchy of Love Ethics is employed to determine the need and extent of discipline. For Christian parents, it means being convinced of the necessity to instill sacrificial love in their home between the kids as paramount, even more than grades in school. Training kids to be responsible is important in the sense envisioned by Ephesians 4:28, where it means taking care of oneself and having enough to share. This is much different from parenting in the world where it is praiseworthy for a child to become a successful but selfish materialist.

Redemptive Discipline must be balanced against emotional investment. Discipline is a negative emotional experience, and only redemptive when the person under discipline has the emotional reserves to endure it and change. This is the “Cuddle and Paddle” combination so essential for loving parenthood. By definition, discipline feels unloving because Present Love Feelings are absent. But it is loving in reality because Redemptive Discipline is an attempt to build Permanent Love Values, which will result in greater Present Love Feelings, as described next.

Redemptive Discipline prevents Dumb Sacrifice. In our earlier definition of love, the disciplinary aspect can be seen in the phrase, “giving…to others for their good” rather than simply “giving…to others.” What a person wants and needs may be completely different. Discipline has become one of the hardest aspects of biblical love to practice, especially in our postmodern culture. When people define right and wrong in subjective, feelings-oriented ways, it often feels wrong to confront a person because it “might make them feel bad,” or, “they’ll get mad at me,” or, “they won’t like me anymore.” All those results may be true; however, discipline is the very thing that will forge deeper feelings of love.

Redemptive Discipline builds stronger Present Love Feelings. Hebrews 12:10 tells us that God disciplines us, “that we may share His holiness.” Discipline confronts the sin we are often unaware of. The freedom it brings to admit when we are wrong is stunning. It puts an end to hypocrisy, but even more freedom comes from discovering the reason for our emotional pain, and still more emotional rewards from practicing Mature Love. To discipline communicates your deep love by your willingness to suffer loss for the other person’s sake.

The Emotional Activity of Love

A relationship without emotions is not a love relationship. Emotional relationships are a necessity in order to function properly, and when missing, crippling emotional problems develop. We need the Present Love Feelings engendered by the Emotional Activity of Mature Love.

Although necessary, emotional relationships can also be destructive because everyone brings emotional needs into a relationship. These needs require the same attention as any other vital need, so Mature Love includes the Emotional Activity which meets legitimate emotional needs whenever possible. Christ wept for the sheep of Israel who had no shepherd, he wept at Lazarus’ tomb, and Paul cites many examples of his own nurturing, emotional care in his writings.

Qualities of Emotional Activity include:

Emotional needs include encouragement, disclosure (vulnerability), empathy, compassion, warmth, and acceptance. Mature Love is “kind and tender-hearted” and speaks with sincere words that elate others (Eph. 4:19, 32, “edify”). It also can lay aside personal feelings to enter the emotional world of others and “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15).

Emotional Activity can be valid or invalid. If used as a replacement for Redemptive Discipline, or to promote a self-indulgent, self-ingratiating lifestyle, the quest for Present Love Feelings can become a dominating feature in relationships. Thus, habitual Love Demands grow (see below, the Diffuse Love Sphere or the Infantile Love Defect).

Expressions are more significant than feelings in Mature Love. The focus in Emotional Activity is not to conjure up strong inner-sensations of affection, sorrow, or ecstasy for someone. Rather, the focus is on expressing these emotions based on truth. This means it is important to express these emotions even if they are not felt internally, because it is right and good to build up the people we love in this positive, emotional fashion. The larger context of the relationship determines how I express affection and care, but also dictates that it must be done, even without spontaneous feelings. Is this manipulation? No: these expressions are actually true, and being expressed in order to give, not take. Expressing positive emotions can be truly sacrificial love especially when chosen despite their spontaneous existence–it means giving praise and affirmation to another person despite how badly the sin nature craves to receive rather than give.

As we express positive emotions despite current feelings, the present experience of those feelings becomes more frequent and real. As in other areas of life, believers can find their feelings coming into line with what they know to be true. The emotional aspect of giving in love is expressed in our earlier definition by “giving…in every area…” This point is important for those who give in the functional arena, but not emotionally.

Love Demands are not healthy emotional expressions. These appear as demands that others express certain emotions in specific ways, which is anything but sacrificial love. This also means that Negative emotional expressions should be controlled. Those who are strongly emotional may need to consider this. To feel justified in “venting” hateful, destructive feelings is self-indulgence, not love, no matter how “authentic” these feelings may seem. We live in an era which teaches it is necessary to “vent”, but the Bible disagrees. The distinction must be made between expressing sadness and inner-turmoil, which is good and proper if felt, and using emotions as a club, which is evil and unloving.

There is no such thing as unemotional Mature Love. Those reluctant to express emotions should stop pretending to be “unemotional” and admit their fear of vulnerability. Everyone is emotional and requires emotional stimulus. Typically, the same person claiming to be unemotional will expect emotional input from spouses (as with sex). Anyone who cannot express caring, tender emotions has a significant problem which must be corrected. Redemptive Discipline may be required to motivate change in this area.

“Loving ALL” Activities

John 3:16, “For God so loved the world (All)…that He gave His only son…” God gave of Himself, without bias or prejudice. “I will be your God, and you will be My people” (1 Pet. 1:10f). This means that mature love-giving includes all people. All are made in the image of God. All are precious. Some are difficult and unloving; some are unlovable – as we “all” are at times. But Victorious Love Output has the confidence that no matter how difficult a person can be, or unlovable, or unloving, Mature Love can make the choice to give loving concern to all.

“Loving All” Activities include:

Mature Love intentionally reaches across racial, cultural and other arbitrary boundariesimposed by the world system (Gal. 3:28ff). Love restricted by such “dividing walls” is inherently weak (see Tribal love, below) because its limitations are deemed virtuous and become deeply-entrenched as Permanent Love Values (see Eph. 2:11-22). But this directly contradicts the Gracious activities of Mature Love and imposes human standards of acceptance on love. This conditional acceptance spreads like poison through the Gracious Activities of love. Jesus demonstrated throughout his ministry a gracious and earnest heart towards Samaritans, Romans and other Gentiles (Jn. 4, Matt. 8:5) in one of the most racist cultures of the time, and for this he was greatly criticized (Lk.15:2).

Mature Love does not conform to its cultural ethos. “This world is not our home,” the Bible emphasizes and re-emphasizes. Christians are not Americans or Russians, Chinese, Greeks or Jews. For this Christians were always greatly persecuted through the ages, as they are still persecuted today. The values and goals of our specific cultures are not from God, but rather from the god of this world, “who has blinded the minds of the unbelieving.” An inability to “Love All” betrays a compromised and distorted view of love tainted by an evil ethos.

Mature Love reaches out, not inwards. Any love which settles into a complacent world “loving those that love you” is inherently selfish and undermines the growth of love’s Sacrificial Activities. When love stops growing, it becomes poisoned, according to the Bible. Some of the greatest mistakes made in Christian churches and homes is to withdraw and “entrench”, which invariably leads to defeat because Victorious Love Output becomes “defensive love input” unable to withstand the inevitable invasion from cultural pressures.

“Loving All” means working within the principles of open and closed doors.Although Jesus taught we should “go” to “the ethnoi” (Matt.28:18ff), he also taught we should “shake the dust of your feet” with those unwilling to listen (Matt. 10:14). It is inexperience (“Tribal Naivete”) which underlies the “bleeding heart syndrome” which is so easily manipulated by the outside world. Christian families are notoriously easily victimized because they too often clump together and withdraw from “Loving All.”

“Outreach” is a valid measure of Mature Love(Eph. 4:16). Our “Loving All” activities should result in widening circles of influence outside our “Tribal roots.” It is perhaps the most difficult aspect of love to reach beyond one’s comfort zone. There we encounter strangers with foreign ways and backgrounds that can only be understood through a combination of spiritual and emotional capabilities. But it is through our Loving All activities that we develop these strengths through God’s empowerment (Matt. 28:18; Acts 1:8ff).

Permanent Love Values found in Mature Love

The following are some of the core PLVs which together make up a strong “Love Bank.” These work together in protecting Present Love Feelings. They are built through the Realms of Activities described above:

• Wise gate-building: investing where it makes sense; opening the heart where it’s effective and not just having a “bleeding heart.”
• Moral fiber:the fruit of Redemptive Discipline, which protects the heart and increases PLFs.
• Knowledge of the Truth: the source of understanding Mature Love.
• Mature responses: Victorious Love Output rather than anger, Love Demands, etc.
• Stable lifestyle:knowing and understanding how to build PLFs within a framework of PLVs.
• See & learn sacrifice: Mature Love demonstrated in the home.
• Nourish, strengthen: knowing what nourishment looks like and how it’s obtained through Mature Love (not Love Demands).
• Redemptive discipline: knowing how to be effective as a loving disciplinarian.
• Learn gratitude: increasingly thankful in response to the goodness of God.

LOVE SPHERES – Who We Love

“Love Spheres” refer to our pattern of choices regarding who we love. Two terms are used to describe this area:

Tribal Love Sphere

Some people form relatively few relationships and remain in those relationships as long as possible- even if they are destructive. They can be “loyal beyond reason.” Such people usually selfishly cling to old relationships because they find the process of building new relationships uncomfortable or even frightening. In extreme (though not unusual) cases, some people’s circle of relationships is no larger than the nuclear family.

This type of relational pattern is called tribalistic.The term “tribalistic” comes from oral cultures where members of other tribes are often viewed as sub-human. Tribes commonly use the same word for both the name of the tribe and for “human being.” When people look at the world this way, they have little interest in relating to people of other “tribes” on a personal level. Relationships with outsiders are usually limited to a very superficial level involving business or diplomacy.

Many Westerners demonstrate the same mentality – defining their family as their “tribe.” Relationships with those outside the tribe are neither sought nor welcomed, except on a very superficial level. People outside the tribe are considered “different,” “difficult,” and sometimes even “dangerous.” Meanwhile, relationships within the tribe are expected to completely meet all relational needs. Such expectations are really love demands, and other family members feel burdened and suffocated because they can never fulfill the demands. With the tribal mentality, if others say anything against your “tribe” a war can break out! However, the tribe can attack their own tribe in many destructive ways.

When tribalistic people needto form new relationships -a move to another location, or school, divorce or death of a spouse – this presents a serious problem. Overly tribalistic people will have difficulty forming new relationships, reaching out to the lost with God’s love, using their gifts in ministry, or valuing people outside of the tribe. This is because in the family tribal system, the children are not taught how to love those who are “different” from their tribe. Those raised in a tribal system remain naïve about how to build their own mature love-giving lives. They lack the wisdom and love-giving maturity to understand the seductive ways of the “outside” world and thus are sometimes easy prey to destructive influences.

Some people naturally lean toward a tribalistic pattern of relating. Narrowness in relational life is related to a general narrowness or rigidity in most areas of life. Tribalism in non-relational areas of life is called “functional” tribalism – “We always do things this way…” The functional tribalistic person derives a sense of security from sameness, and resists change. Even though the status quo may not be particularly satisfying, it’s better than changing to something new. Tribalistic people, therefore, tend to live with a great deal of routine in their lives. The same schedule every day, every week tends to be comforting to the tribalistic person, while, on the other hand, not knowing what is going to happen next causes anxiety. The Diffuse person would feel trapped by the same routine that makes tribal people feel secure. For functionally tribal people, messiness can be very disturbing because they love order, while the diffuse person often has no problem with messiness. This characteristic rigidity may extend into all areas of life, reflecting a desire for structure and predictability.The tribalist’s insistence on a strict routine may interfere with the need to adapt to new conditions at work or elsewhere. In extreme cases, the tribalist may eventually lose the ability to function in any but one way. (Example, if I don’t clean my house the same way every time, I don’t feel like it is clean, or my mornings have to start the same every day or I feel anxious.)

This desire for predictability may lead to a form of relating based on controlling loved ones. The tribal person may interpret another’s submission to their control as love. Yet, as the love feelings resulting from control of, let’s say, the other’s schedule wears off, the tribal lover feels the need to exert further control in other areas just to keep up the same feelings, for example, keeping a child financially indebted to them so they have to depend on them. Those who love tribalists may end up jumping through incredible hoops to avoid punishment.

In marriage, this desire for control may also result in a variety of sexual dysfunctions. These could range from the need to have sex in only one way, to complete frigidity or impotence when the person feels unable to enter into an intimate, yet uncontrollable situation requiring improvisation and vulnerability. Paradoxically, some tribalists may come to interpret their spouses agreeing to sex as submitting to control. Then they may begin to constantly demand sex as a sign of love.

Control is a key word for understanding the tribalistic love sphere.Extreme tribalists often develop control-related neuroses. Various phobic complexes can result from the inability of the tribalist to control some aspects of the environment. Anxiety can come to play an increasing role as the tribalist worries that s/he may lose control of the situation in the future. It is the in-grown family environment that breeds relational ill-health, in-fighting, and simmering resentments. Hysterical episodes sometimes afflict extreme tribalists who feel they are losing control. The tribal person does offer a challenge to the diffuse person to become more structured and appreciate routine.

The Diffuse Love Sphere

The diffuse person is quite different from the tribal person. While the tribal person views other “tribes” as “sub-human,” the diffuse person sees everyone as their friend. Diffuse people demonstrate a tendency to become quickly involved in a new relationships where they immediately experience Present Love Feelings. They major in Present Love Feelings rather than Permanent Love Values, so typically fail to invest deeply in relationships, being easily distracted or impatient. The diffuse person often finds it easier to bounce off someone new rather than resolve problems in existing relationships. The result is usually a series of superficial friendships and unresolved problems, mostly felt by previous short-lived friends who believed there was more value placed on the friendship. In extreme cases diffuse people may actually never form any deep relationships. They may simply meet people and interact on a superficial level, looking for stimulation which they interpret as new and exciting. The diffuse person can feel they are “in love” when, in fact, they are excited about dreams shared. They have a hard time realizing implications and can make promises they will never keep. The tribalistic desires structure and control in life whereas the diffuse person desires freedom and change. “Sameness” creates feelings of control and boredom, restlessness, and often resentment toward felt controls. Diffuse people may find stimulation in job changes or moving from one romance to another. The diffuse person does offer a challenge to the tribal person to become more flexible and balanced.

In marriage, the diffuse person can be both delightful and maddening. Delightful because they are very sociable and welcoming. They do bring excitement into a relationship. Maddening because of inconsistency in keeping order in the home, concern about the budget, or discipline of children, as well as not dependable. The diffuse parent may be fun to be with; however there will be little respect from the children because of lack of discipline and broken promises. To a tribal person, a messy home, disorderly children, and bounced checks are maddening! The diffuse person will enjoy talking about new ideas which the tribal person thinks they really mean or plan to do, when in reality they are only talking about an idea. The tribal has to be able to encourage the diffuse spouse to communicate the difference between what they intend or what they promise to do. Then they can be held accountable. The diffuse talks in “jello” and the tribal sees it as “concrete.” This leads to many arguments. Diffuse people love to think about new things and start new projects but lack the follow-through to accomplish the task. This is different from the personality who tends to be lazy. The diffuse person may struggle with enabling in order to be accepted. This causes difficulties because they will avoid conflict, yet hold resentments, causing alienation in the marriage and friendships. In order to mature, the diffuse needs to be honest and faithful, doing what they say they will do. They needs to learn that objectivity and structure are their friends.

Application to PERMANENT LOVE VALUES and PRESENT LOVE FEELINGS

The stimulation sought by the diffuse person is referred to as Present Love Feelings. There is a need in all people to have present love feelings through words of appreciate, affirmation, social interaction, and acceptance. However, present love feelings are tangible sensations of excitement which generally cannot be sustained over a long period of time. There has to be Permanent Love Values which provide the Love Bank that from which genuinepresent love feelings spring. Tribalistic people have a deep appreciation for permanent love values; however, always doing things the same way with the same people can become stale and unbiblical inasmuch as new relationships are not invited in to share with them. Members of a tribal system will often go outside of tribal “rules” to find present love feelings.

Both present love feelings and permanent love values are essential to a balanced, stable life. Diffuse and tribalistic people, without developing this balance in their life, will develop assorted emotional disorders as time goes on. The diffuse will tends to be naïve and impulsive, therefore making decisions without considering the implications, leading to anxiety, nervous breakdowns, resentments, anger, broken relationships, loneliness and nervous breakdowns. The tribal will develop fears, panic attacks, and phobias, as well as depression and alienation from society, leading to paranoia – “If you’re not with me, you must be against me.” The “with me” is agreeing to their control, which makes them feel loved. They will become immobilized with change because of the fear of loving concern not coming to them. Often tribal people will have panic attacks when they enter a large store, such as Wal-Mart. The open space and number of people is very overwhelming because of the fear of loving concern not coming to them. They often develop bitterness when people do not love them according to their expectations, and failure in relationships can lead to suicide.

In marriage, the diffuse person may struggle with of codependency or enabling in order to be accepted. The tribal person may be so controlling that the spouse finds it hard to be home. The diffuse can be so argumentative and demanding that their spouse finds it difficult to think about coming home. Freedom to the diffuse is love whereas control to the tribal is love. The diffuse makes decisions without considering the implications; whereas the tribal can spend weeks thinking through each detail thoroughly. The diffuse person tends to be a spender, often irresponsible with finances. The tribal keeps mental accounts of everything. Often they are attracted to each other – hence the potential for many marriage arguments, or hopefully, spiritual growth. The diffuse may also fail at work because of carelessness or lack of dependability. The tribal may fail at the job because of being critical of authority. With sex, the diffuse wants change and romance; whereas the tribal is satisfied with sex the same way every time. The tribal may consider sex too much effort and may be able to go weeks without a sexual encounter with the spouse, or, on the other hand, demand sex as a proof of the spouse’s love.

Family members who realize they are expected to meet all the standards of the tribalist often feel unloved and discouraged. The diffuse parent may be fun to be with; however, there can be little respect because of the lack of discipline and inattentiveness. Alienation in the trial family happens quite often and with the diffuse parent children have a sense that the parent doesn’t care.

The goal of love therapy in the area of love spheres is to enhance both the tribal or diffuse tendencies – both have value, but are inadequate for a mature, stable love-life. A mature love-giver should be able to build deep relationships with permanent love values as well as reaching out to others with present love feelings. The scripture mandate for such a balance is clear. Jesus critiques extreme tribalists in Matthew 5:46, where he rejects the idea of “loving only them that love you.” This is sub-biblical selfishness and exclusiveness because it ignores the needs of those outside one’s family or affinity group. Likewise, the Pharisees’ attempt to avoid responsibility to love outsiders was rebuked by the example of The Good Samaritan in Luke 10:25-37. All the passages that call for outreach to the lost, i.e., Matthew 28:19, are also, by implication against excessive tribalism.

Excessive diffuseness would be antithetical to the biblical call for deep love relationships, such as shown in Ephesians 5:1-6:9. The principle of “remaining in that condition in which you were called (1 Cor. 7:20) also speaks against excessive diffuseness. 1 Cor. 13 speaks of a depth and length of commitment that is foreign to the diffuse personality. Stimulation is a poor substitute for committed love.

Balance can be accomplished by two means:

1. If you are diffuse, ask God to make you aware of how you affect others, and ask your family and friends how you have affected them. Psalm 139:23,24. Commit yourself to learn faithfulness by learning to appreciate structure, consistent study, and staying in there when the “going gets hard.” Also, make every effort to complete a task even though totally boring.
2. If you are tribal, set your mind to learn to appreciate the value in the “unlovable” or “different” person – whether it is a co-worker or boss, a neighbor or someone in the church, taking the initiative to serve someone in your home church or a challenging ministry. Commit to expanding your heart to accept those outside your “tribe.” Develop the ability to stay in a social situation even though everything in you desires to go home to your own comfort.

At first any commitment to change seems “unnatural, fake, and mechanical.” But remember, you are training yourself to be affectionate, truthful, and accepting – loving others as Christ has loved you. You may feel that the applications are legalistic, but what you are experiencing is the discomfort or learning something new. “Practice” can feel so foreign and unnatural – not unlike the feelings we had when we first picked up a musical instrument, learning to dance, or speaking a new language. The more we are convicted to change, the discomfort decreases. We become more acclimated to victoriously loving God and others and can begin to enjoy the confidence and peace of a mature, stable walk with the Lord, as well as good relationships. This is a glad exchange for the misery of immaturity and failed relationships. John 13:15; James 1:22; 1 Peter 3:8-9.

LOVE DEFECTS – HOW WE LOVE

In addition to the question of love spheres (who we love – tribal/diffuse) love therapy defines patterns in the area of love defects. These are deficiencies or distortions in the way we love. We will define three patterns of love deficiency. They are “Work Substitute,” “Work-for-Love,” and “Infantile.”

WORK SUBSTITUTE (Men)

Work substitute describes a love deficiency in the area of emotional giving. Typically, the work substitute is an adult male who spends (invests) much of his energy into his career. He may seem “cold” because he does not know how to express positive emotion – complaining that it makes him feel like a sissy, or a phony. However, he is quite able to express anger, impatience and control. The work substitute commonly cannot understand what others want from him in the area of emotion. He is aware that his wife and others complain that he is unloving, but finds this confusing. He points out that he works hard, brings home a paycheck, bought his wife a new car, “let’s her spend money,” and spends time with the family, unlike a “lot of husbands who run around all the time.”

Actually, the work substitute is guilty of substituting the enjoyment of goal attainment at work for the fulfillment of love relationships. Likewise, he replaces expressions of love with “doing things” for others because it makes him feel like a “good Joe.” Overt emotional statements and actions seem mushy, ridiculous, and unnecessary for the work substitute. Although the work substitute is willing to relate to outsiders and to insiders, the type of relationship involved is deficient in both cases.

When looking for an emotional interaction in relationships, the work sub often replaces positive nurturing emotional expressions with a practice called “pigtail pulling, which illustrates a practice of 10-year old boys. A boy at this age may feel attracted to a girl in his class, but lacks the maturity to express his feelings in a positive way so pulls her hair, kicks, or pushes her. She yells at him and maybe chases him, thus completing an immature relational interaction which, although not ideal in the mind of the boy, is better than nothing. He did get her attention – which he interprets as “She likes me!”

Adult work substitute men continue to relate to friends and family members in this immature, negative way. A work substitute man may come home and pinch his wife in the rear, commenting that she is gaining weight. He thinks it is all in fun; however, his wife complains that it’s not fun, and feels that her husband is deliberately mean. Actually, his pride in his work, plus lack of emotional maturity, knowledge, and humility leave him without effective means of positive nurturing relating. The work sub doesn’t know how to love except by substituting doing things. For example:

• If his wife is crying, the first thing that comes to his mind is “what can I do for her?” He thinks fixing a broken toilet seat is what is going to make her stop crying.
• The work sub will get angry when his wife is upset because he wants to have love given to him, and doesn’t know how to make his wife feel loved when she isn’t loving him.
• The work sub wants the house and kids in order and dinner on the table because he has worked hard all day and expects an orderly, quiet house and obedient family. To appreciate what his wife has done during the day is not a category in his mind. After all, she’s only doing what she’s supposed to do. The emotional connection is generally missing.
• The work sub considers a “working vacation” fun – up early in the morning, busy doing things during the day. If camping, there will be competitions to see who can put up the tent the fastest! Like a general at boot camp. The more the family grumbles, the harder he makes them work – because, after all, work is what makes sense.
• If the kids get a grade below his standard, there is no gracious help, but threats. If the grades are raised, then the standard rises as well.

It is imperative that the work substitute learns how to express positive emotion and that his pigtail-pulling be curtailed and changed to a more mature, love-giving action. It is not wrong to be a work substitute male; however it is inadequate because of the lack of emotional connection to those around him. Here are some helpful steps to learn to be the love-giver:

Three things to do while at work:

1. Phone your wife from the office, just to touch base. “Hi, I’ve been thinking about you and hope your day is going well. I look forward to our evening.”
2. Prayer – put a reminder note on your computer or in your Blackberry to pray for your family. Ask your wife if one of the kids are going through a particularly hard time, so you know better how to pray. Ask her what her concerns are for the day, so she is aware that you are praying for her.
3. Preparation – on the way home, ask God to give you insight as to how you can follow up with the concerns of the day, as well as how to serve your wife and family when you get home (Luke 17:7-10). Because a Work Subs have worked hard all day, his desire is to get home for rest, a hot meal, and love – but no! God calls him to serve his family first before he can rest. This is where the principle of faith is understood – “As you invest love, you will feel loved.” Luke 6:38.

If the Work Sub comes home with an attitude of serving, it will set the tone for the evening.

It is not wrong to be a Work Sub; however, it is inadequate because of the lack of emotional love involvement. As the Work Sub becomes the servant-leader in the home, positive changes in the family will be dramatic.

WORK-FOR-LOVE (Women)

The Work-for-Love defect is a deficiency that afflicts women. The work-for-love woman is a caring, loyal woman who is committed to her family (or tribe). She is by definition tribalistic. She is emotional, and sacrificial. The traditional 1950’s image of an American mother is usually a work-for-love. These women build their lives around their children and husband. Their selfless giving is motivated by heartfelt affection and duty; however, there are deep, relational consequences:

• The work-for-love pours her attention and emotions into doing good things for her family; however, there is deep confusion and hurt when her children move away from her (emotionally and geographically) and do not welcome her offers to “help.” There is also expressed anger and hurt when her children receive help from others.
• Because the mother has focused on the functional raising of the children, the children are puzzled about how to relate to her as a person, along with the feeling that “mom doesn’t know me.”
• The work-for-love eventually begins to feel resentment about the fact that her family doesn’t appreciate her. As these feelings of resentment come up, the work-for-love reacts by working harder (cleans the house more, cooks more dishes that the family “loves”) to get the appreciation she craves – hence the term work-for-love. She actually works and serves those in her family, not in an authentically relational way, but in order to buy love from them.
• Because she is actually working for their love and acceptance, she finds it difficult to appropriately discipline. She will get angry when the kids don’t do their chores, but then does the work herself, with resentment. Her fear is that her children won’t love her.
• She is vulnerable to manipulation by others at the same time that she is guilty of using manipulation on the family. A typical method of manipulation used by the work-for-love is the “guilt trip.” “After all that I’ve done for you, how could you say those things to me?” This is the snare of enabling, or codependence. She has “hooked” her kids by her service, and because they don’t know how to break free, they give in to her –so there is resentment on both sides.
• The work-for-love begins to manifest a martyr complex to family members. Her suffering is real, but it does not move her family to compassion because they sense the manipulative element. The work-for-love’s failure to discipline others leads to a lamentable lack of authority or respect from her family. Instead, the work-for-love’s martyr complex becomes self-fulfilling, as her family truly does take her for granted.
• Because the Work-for-Love spends her emotional energy on home and children, the relationship with her husband is one of building resentment, ingratitude, and avoidance. When the children leave home, often there is a marriage crisis because neither the husband nor the wife has emotionally invested in each other. She has escaped her marital unhappiness by focusing on the kids.
• She has also failed to build deep relationships outside the family. She usually has not built skills and interests in the functional area either, other than tending to the house and children. When the children leave home, she may become increasingly depressed, anxious and phobic about her health, using extravagant maneuvers in her efforts to attract attention from her uncaring family because she does not know where to spend all the emotional energy that was previously spent on home and children.
• It is hard for people outside of the family to help the Work-for-Love because if someone gives her a present, she feels she has to give one back. It is hard for her to receive.
• A key to identifying a work-for-love female is found in the area of confrontation. Anyone who is frequently confrontational and contentious is probably not a work-for-love, but rather an infantile.

Here are some changes that the work-for-love can consider:

1. Thought-life. Guard against arguments against your husband. Prayerfully think through your hurts and/or resentment and pray for courage to talk to your husband honestly and without irrational emotions about the things that are bothering you.
2. Consider each child and what is needed to make him/her take on personal responsibility, following through with the needed training and discipline that you and your husband have agreed upon. Be willing to suffer the loss of their present love because their maturity is more important than your feelings. Your primary job is to prepare them for life outside the home.
3. Purpose to make the home an orderly, pleasant place for family and friends. Do the work that needs to be done with an attitude of serving the Lord, not feeling sorry for yourself when the appreciation you long for isn’t given to you.

It is not wrong to be a Work-for-Love; however, it is inadequate in that the Work-for-Love has not developed the sacrificial and disciplining aspect of biblical love. As the Work-for-Love matures in her ability to train and discipline (without nagging), the family and friends will love to gather in the home because of the peaceful atmosphere.

INFANTILE

The term Infantileis used in love therapy to describe the primitive stage of emotional development typical of childhood. Children thrive on simple emotions which cannot sustain significant relationships, and the Infantile is often characterized by a series of fleeting relationships. Children feel deeply for others existentially, in the here-and-now, but a strong self-centeredness is mixed with their feelings.

Infantiles care about others when they feel like caring. The core problem with an Infantile is the inability to rise above the emotional moment,to look across the expanse of time and see things from a higher view. Because of this short-sightedness, children do not retain thankful hearts for long. It matters little how much effort and sacrifice their parents lavished on them in the past. What matters foremost is the sacrifice and effort lavished today! Children cannot fathom why their immediate desires can’t be gratified. When faced with ungratified desires, they cry or throw violent temper tantrums because they lose all sense of proportion or perspective.

Thus, Infantiles are highly sensitive to how others affect them, but have very little sensitivity to how they affect others. This is why quarrels between children escalate: they cannot understand the perspective of the other child. Because they feel the correctness of their own view, their feelings escalate until they win. They can grow violent because they feel the right to use force to get their way.

The Infantile defines love as feelings of warmth. Children so charming because they can pour out emotional warmth. The child cuddled in his mother’s arms reminds everyone of the touching warmth children need. As people mature they typically learn that love is not such a narcissistic experience, but this is becoming a major deficiency in the maturing process in the modern era.

Two generations ago the children’s books were about doing well in the world; they’re about achievement – The Little Engine That Could, is a typical example. The primers today are much less about good commerce with the world and much more about feeling good, about high self esteem. Seligman-Forum

In other words, self receives the emphasis in American education under the rubric of “self esteem,” and of course, self is reinforced later by the culture through consumerism. Self-emphasis lies at the root of the Infantile’s inability to form deep, lasting relationships.

Although all people will occasionally manifest an infantile characteristic, many people see a gradual decrease in such characteristics as they move into adulthood. This is especially true as they form their own families. But when a preponderance of these childish features migrate into adulthood, the result is an Infantile with emotional habits that greatly interfere with important relationships.

Those who know Infantiles know how impossible they are to satisfy. They have difficulty grasping the extent of the sacrifice others must make to endure their demands. Infantiles throw explosive tantrums or use withdrawal tactics similar to the child who threatens to eat worms or hold his breath until he dies.

Even with its drawbacks, Infantile love is cute in a toddler, but a tragedy in adult relationships. The obsession with immediate gratification and unrestrained emotions is so primitive! With age we expect to see increased intelligence, experience, and knowledge of the real world to lift the adult above temporary events and hold a consistent perspective. It’s called stability, and it is a position of great power and strength in a tumultuous world. The here-and-now can be a frightful place for children “tossed here and there by waves,” as Paul says (Eph. 4:15).

Kids are so overwhelmed by immediate pressures and so easily dominated and crushed. Children would make poor soldiers when the roar of cannon fire erupts, but a well-trained soldier realizes victory is possible only by holding the line. This inability to stand strong in relationships is the weak heart beating inside the Infantile.

Indicators of Infantilism

The core problem with Infantiles are their instabilities, which are readily apparent to others who have undergone a maturing process.

• Feelings determine reality.Infantiles feel so strongly about their views they cannot rise above these feelings.
• Inability to understand other people. Children quarrel easily because their brains are underdeveloped and they cannot appreciate views outside their own. The adult Infantile retains this handicap not from an undeveloped brain, but an undeveloped ability to control personal feelings, which then overwhelm their cognition.
• Arbitrary rights. Because their cognitive strength is overwhelmed and because feelings determine reality, children can create the most arbitrary and outrageous “bill of rights.” Is there any reasonable basis for a brat to storm into mom’s kitchen where she’s working and demands her immediate, full attention? The adult Infantile is equally unconcerned with such trivial questions as the reasonableness of their actions.
• Endless rights.When an infant feels a need, the quiet household is pierced by shrill screams. Young parents learn early they either get the infant on a feeding schedule or go insane from endless demands. Adult Infantiles fare little better, crying “Foul!” whenever compunction dictates. They live in a simple world of candy-canes and lollipops where they should never have to feel bad.
• Perverted justice. The younger the child, the less able he is to shrug-off hurts. With great emotional flair and righteous indignation the Infantile insists it is an abortion of justice to overlook the wrongs perpetrated against his person! Aggressive Infantiles are quarrelsome and nasty, while more passive temperaments dish out the silent treatment. Long rehearsals of grievances (sometimes from distant years) make the Infantile difficult to please for most people.
• Over-reactions and violence. The Infantile uses emotions like a club. Feelings of perceived wrongs are so overwhelming in children they feel they have the right to uses force to get their way. Adult Infantiles likewise stomp around, storm out of the room, throw things, yell, and use punishing withdrawal. They regret it later when feelings subside, yet never enough to drop the emotional club because, after all, who would give up such a lethal and effective weapon?
• Hedonistic, immediate gratification. When children roll out of bed, they ask, “What are we going to do today?” Kids live in the moment and the adult Infantile’s fixation with feelings turns the moment into a prison of addiction to emotional stimulation and pleasure.
• A narrow definition of love. Children understand love as emotional warmth – and love isemotional. But love is not exclusively emotional. A child has difficulty understanding that a parent’s discipline is also loving. Infantiles often feel they are loved by oozing warm feelings all over a person. But authentic love is sacrificial, and the oozing feelings that come so easily to the Infantile hardly quality as sacrificial.
• Inability to forgive.This is perhaps the most devastating deficiency of the Infantile because it leads to a trail of alienated, broken relationships. The infantile often feels that overlooking the wrongs perpetrated by others is a betrayal of justice. Yet ironically, the Infantile easily dismisses the wrongs he perpetrated. Infantiles with active temperaments are quarrelsome and nasty, while more passive Infantile temperaments will punish with silent treatments and long rehearsals of past injustices, sometimes from years long ago.

Foundations for Infantile Hope

The development from childhood to adulthood is not trite, nor is it quickly achieved. Yet an adult with Infantile emotional habits will obviously change much more rapidly than a child’s growth rate. Still, a person’s abilities, knowledge and previous experience will determine the pace of change.

Growth is overwhelming with a “shotgun blast” approach of non-strategic criticisms and a painful barrage of confrontations about failure. People undergoing change must feel a sense of measurable progress and victory, and this is especially vital for feeling-oriented Infantiles. For this reason it is important not to let the focus of change become an issue-oriented focus, even if specific issues arise in the process of discussing the Infantile’s problems. Infantiles themselves struggle with getting entangled with picky issues and need to grasp of the larger picture of maturity.

There is a scenario which must be carefully considered for building growth layer-by-layer in an Infantile’s character. We are, after all, interested in character development, not behavioral change. What follows is a plausible approach, although there may be better scenarios or different priorities, depending on the key factors of a person’s ability, knowledge, and previous personal experience.

Understanding Personal Culpability

This means building a healthy, spiritual awareness of personal shortcomings. It’s called sin. This sounds negative, but when approached in a godly fashion it is a very balanced and mature outlook on life. Everyone must know their weaknesses in order to navigate the real world (what Seligman calls “good commerce with the world,” above). Another way to phrase this is, “Get a grip on it!”

Here’s a few suggestions to build this foundation…

Daily prayer with God asking for to understanding His view on our natural Depravity. In the context God’s unconditional love for us, it is infinitely easier to endure the strain of having the Infantile’s hopes and dreams crushed. The Infantile’s narcissistic world view is rooted in an unrealistic view of self. What mature people call narcissism the Infantile calls “hopes and dreams,” and it is so very painful to have our hopes and dreams crushed, is it not? Yet God is gentle and kind, and He is precisely the beginning point and most-qualified instructor on just how depraved our personal Depravity is.

It necessitates a very thorough understanding of the Bible’s teachings on Total Depravity. This understanding is a difficult pill for anyone to swallow, but especially for an Infantile. Depending on how uneducated or inexperienced the Infantile is, this understanding may only dawn slowly over time.

Understanding Personal Impact

The Infantile needs to develop an emotional appreciation of the adverse impact Infantile behavior inflicts on others. An Infantile may acknowledge personal culpability in an abstract sense, but until it becomes an emotional reality it does not motivate change.

Infantiles are impressed by feelings. This may be accomplished as simply as having the Infantile ask a close friend weekly, “How have I offended you this week?” Married people can ask spouses, “When did I make it hard for you to approach me this week?” But these cannot be brusque or indifferent conversations, because it is important for the Infantile to listen carefully and comprehend the viewpoint of others as fully as possible (see James 1:10).

Obviously this effort requires the cooperation and support of others willing to spend the time and effort to help educate their beloved Infantile. But most vital to this effort, these are the people who teach the Infantile about their need for forgiveness and who actually extend forgiveness to the Infantile.

Learning about personal sin is so foundational, because it means learning about forgiveness, and by receiving forgiveness from others like this, they can see how important it is to be forgiving themselves.

Practicing Thankfulness

Infantiles lack one of the main components in biblical love: being easy to please (1 Cor. 12:4, 5 “Love is patient…is not easily angered…keeps no record of wrongs”). Their many complaints and the invisible “bill of rights” will overshadow the value of people. Learning forgiveness, above, goes a long way towards becoming easy to please.

Yet the Infantile must grow beyond understanding forgiveness. They need to enter the unfamiliar realm of emotional stability, and this requires some emotional healing. The doorway to true healing requires learning gratitude.

Paul describes the mindset of gratitude this way:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. Philippians 4:8 (NIV

Thankfulness begins with understanding the world that Paul describes. There is so much to be thankful for! Philippians 4:8 describes how the real worldactually looks to someone practicing and living Victorious Love. Infantiles are not accustomed to the real world. Instead, their world views are tainted by the fog of personal experience and shifting feelings.

Thankfulness must also materialize in the real world. This means taking specific steps to express thankfulness. Recall that Paul describes the road to human depravity (the “personal culpability” issue raised, above) as starting with ingratitude:

“For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks…” Romans 1:21

Gratitude means to be openly, visibly, demonstrably thankful. The word Paul uses for “give thanks” is eucaristo in Greek, and it goes beyond merely feeling somewhat grateful. There is a significant difference between a grateful, passing thought and a demonstration of gratitude. Someone may claim to be grateful for their parents, but when was the last time it was expressed? Until expressed,this fleeting thought is not eucaristeo.

Three simple questions can measure an Infantile’s attitude of gratitude:

1. To whom have you given thanks in the past week?
2. What did you do to express gratitude?
3. If asked, would the other person remember your last effort to demonstrate gratitude?

The conviction of what’s right or wrong should determine the way we treat other people, not our present feelings. Practicing gratitude may at first feel uncomfortable or unnatural to someone accustomed to a highly emotional lifestyle, because this activity is rooted in convictions, not emotions.

One of the most important places where the Infantile must learn to practice gratitude is with their parents. It was there, in that home, where the foundations of their emotional habits were formed.

Infantiles typically have a very resentful or demanding attitude full of expectations towards their parents. These Love Demands should be replaced with the new experience of practicing gratitude, which may entail going home to help the parents around the house, perhaps helping with laundry or building something with the old man. The possibilities are endless for practicing gratitude.

Building the Healing Process

The core definition of immaturity is the inability to take care of oneself. Infantiles nurse their grudges and pains because they expect someone else to summon the maturity to initiate the healing process. Children will pout in their room until mommy comes to mend everything. Infantiles must learn how to initiate their own healing.

This specifically means learning to ask for forgiveness. This is closely related to the above point of “Understanding Personal Impact,” but this step goes further by calling on the Infantile to initiate change.

“Change begins with me”must become the Infantile’s “mantra,” in a sense. Infantiles will balk at the prospect of going back to ask for forgiveness because their focus is so fixed on their own feelings of unjust hurt. They want the other person to initiate asking for forgiveness, or at least participate equally in a fair exchange of “forgiveness-asking.”

“But what about my feelings?” an Infantile will ask (or think) indignantly. “After all, my feelings are important too!” There are many different permutations, but they all sound the same: “Make me feel good first, then I’ll do something I don’t want to do…”

It must be an unqualified request for forgiveness.Any attempt to focus on the other person’s wrongs is simply returning to that old, useless behavior. Even the youngest child can see the wrongs in other people and pout about it all day long. What is the use? By returning to other people’s issues, does this somehow promote the Infantile’s maturity? Quite the opposite: it merely reinforces Infantile expectations. Perhaps the most difficult habit to break for an Infantile is the need to focus on their perceived injustices, but it’s also the most useless and even destructive emotional habit.

It takes maturity and true strength of character to acknowledge personal wrong without qualification. By going back to ask for forgiveness, we are no longer discussing or learning or thinking, but actually living personal culpability and feeling the impact of our lives on others.

There are caveats to consider. This kind of conversation should not be done hastily for someone with deep emotional pain, someone without much experience of this nature, or if it involves someone who is potentially dangerous (on either side of the forgiveness equation). Failure at this effort will wreck havoc on the healing process, creating yet another defeating experience for the Infantile to ponder.

It may be wise to bring emotional (relational) support along, or practice or discuss the potential scenarios which could erupt during this conversation.

Especially vital is the awareness that it may not go as expected. Infantiles are notoriously unrealistic in their expectations, and will undoubtedly bring some of these into the forgiveness-seeking process. The Infantile should consider how to respond if the other person:

• …tries to “rub it in your face” a little bit?
• ….refuses to forgive you?
• …is essentially indifferent about your tremendous effort?
• …laughs at you?

Additional Steps

The steps outlined above are not fixed in stone, nor are they exhaustive. There are, for example, the following issues which may be terribly debilitating and require primary attention before the healing process can start:

• Choose one difficult person to serve, not requiring a positive responseor appreciation. An Infantile may be very unmotivated to change, or highly blinded by their incapacities. This activity helps to build a capability which is either very weak or entirely missing. Dr. Ankenman called this “learning to love the unloving,” and it is an experience the Infantile needs to develop as a discipline. This can begin through volunteering at a nursing home or working one-on-one with handicapped or underprivileged children. In this way the Infantile can begin developing the discipline of giving love without requiring an immediate return-on-investment.
• Developing a structured lifestyle.Infantiles dominated by strong emotions must learn to habituate regularity. By definition, stability means regularity. A Diffuse Infantile is especially disgusted by those everyday, regular, normal activities because their emotional payload is so low. To change this orientation often requires outside help from someone who understands the necessity of regularity and structure, and knows how to introduce a more-structured lifestyle in the Infantile’s experience.

Moving Forward

The Infantile’s maturity is evident through increasing occurrences of peaceful, face-to-face problem-solvingwith those who caused hurt or offense. This is an imperative step towards maturity. The Infantile’s problem-solving abilities must be developed, and they need to build a history of victorious love relationships–which necessitates problem-resolution. It is imperative that the Infantile exercises the self-discipline to stop reverberating emotional distress among other parties. It is so much easier to complain to outside parties, but it is not highly constructive or useful unless these problems get resolved. Equally destructive is the “I quit” habit. This means building a new habit of resolving the cause of problems, and in this way building a new confidence to stand and endure future emotional distress.

Causes for Infantile Behavior

The foundations for Infantile behavior in adults can be wide and varied.

• Natural gifting may cause an emotionally-dominant orientation in life. Artists, musicians, and others with highly-developed creative skills can find it extremely difficult to lay aside their emotional intuition and get a more realistic perspective which others can more easily grasp.
• Scientists or scholars or people with strong cognitive skillsmay be highly relationally impaired, especially when their vocations promote relational isolation or infantile behavior. They may be brilliant, but they behave like Infantiles. Dr. Ankenman once noted that “a person can have two PhD’s, yet have the emotional life of an eight-year old.”
• Those with handicaps such as autism will naturally remain Infantile into adulthood, requiring tremendous patience and effort to teach them otherwise.
• People never taught adult behavioror lacking adult role models will continue behaving as Infantiles until enough pressure makes it impossible to continue living this way. This is becoming the more-prevalent Infantile in modern culture, where the “self-esteem” ideology has wrecked such havoc (see Siligman’s research, for example).

Whether the Infantile is handicapped by genetics, vocation or a poor upbringing, it is still possible to bring these Infantile tendencies sufficiently under control to pose no serious barrier or threat to close relationships. It is not only possible, but promised by God’s Word, that the Infantile can develop the stability of maturity and experience God’s design for victorious love.

What Hope We Have!

All three love defects can manifest Victorious Love Output as God describes in His Word, but it is insufficient to merely identify a person’s “love defect.” Relational problems can be a complex interaction of Love Spheres, Love Defects, and Love Activities described in this document. Individual approaches are needed for different imbalances. They must also become aware of their lack of forgiveness and develop deep biblical convictions bout the importance of forgiving from the heart.