Love Ethics

Infantile Love

By kmcc on February 19th, 2008

In Love Therapy, the term Infantile describes the most primitive stage of emotional development, typical in childhood. Watch children and their emotions at work:

1. They thrive on rather simple emotions.
2. They cannot sustain significant relationships (such as marriage) with such simplistic emotions.
3. They are easily overwhelmed by emotions, despite their primitive nature.
4. Their behavior is erratic and unpredictable because their emotions take control.
5. Their friendships change easily and often because their emotions define their relationships.

The traumatic struggles of childhood demonstrate that relationships built on strong feelings can be quite destructive. Of the many ways kids are deceived, perhaps their greatest vulnerability is the way kids feel so deeply for others existentially in the here-and-now without understanding how self-centered their feelings can be. Kids are loving only when they feel like it. For this reason the Bible often cites children as the epitome of fleshly and foolish thinking:

…we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine… Ephesians 4:14 (NASB)

Infantiles care about others when they feel like caring. The core problem with an Infantile is the inability to rise above the emotional moment, to look across the expanse of time and see things from a higher view. Because of this short-sightedness, children do not retain thankful hearts for long. It matters little how much effort and sacrifice their parents lavished on them in the past. What matters foremost is the sacrifice and effort lavished today! Children cannot fathom why their immediate desires can’t be gratified. When faced with unfulfilled desires, they cry or throw violent temper tantrums because they lose all sense of proportion or perspective.

Thus, Infantiles are highly sensitive to how others affect them, but have very little sensitivity to how they affect others. This is why quarrels between children escalate: they cannot understand the perspective of the other child. Because they feel the correctness of their own view, their feelings escalate until they win. They can grow violent because they feel the right to use force to get their way.

The Infantile defines love as feelings of warmth. Children are so charming because they can pour out emotional warmth. The child cuddled in his mother’s arms reminds everyone of the touching warmth children need. As people mature they typically learn that love is not such a narcissistic experience, but holding on to these prolonged expectations is becoming a major deficiency in the maturing process in today’s culture.

Two generations ago children’s books were about doing well in the world; for example, they were about achievement – The Little Engine That Could, – or consequences of laziness – The Little Red Hen – are typical example. The primers today are much less about good commerce with the world and much more about feeling good, about high self esteem. Seligman-Forum

In other words, self receives the emphasis in American education under the rubric of “self esteem,” and of course, self is reinforced later by the culture through consumerism. Self-emphasis lies at the root of the Infantile’s inability to form deep, lasting relationships.

Although all people will occasionally manifest an infantile characteristic, many people see a gradual decrease in such characteristics as they move into adulthood. This is especially true as they form their own families. But when a preponderance of these childish features migrate into adulthood, the result is an Infantile with emotional habits that greatly interfere with important relationships as well as cause much havoc and heeartbreak.

Those who know Infantiles know how impossible they are to satisfy. They have difficulty grasping the extent of the sacrifice others must make to endure their demands. Infantiles throw explosive tantrums or use withdrawal tactics similar to the child who threatens to eat worms or hold his breath until he dies.

Even with its drawbacks, Infantile love is cute in a toddler, but a tragedy in adult relationships. The obsession with immediate gratification and unrestrained emotions is so primitive! With age we expect to see increased ability to be thoughtful of others, to make rational decisions, and learn from experience in the real world to lift the adult above temporary events and hold a consistent perspective. It’s called stability, and it is a position of great authority and strength in a tumultuous world. The here-and-now can be a frightful place for children “tossed here and there by waves,” as Paul says (Eph. 4:15).

Kids are overwhelmed by immediate pressures and easily dominated and crushed. Children would make poor soldiers when the roar of cannon fire erupts, but a well-trained soldier realizes victory is possible only by holding the line. This inability to stand strong in relationships is the weak and fearful heart beating inside the Infantile.

Indicators of Infantilism

The core problem with Infantiles are their instabilities, which are readily apparent to others who have undergone a maturing process.

• Feelings determine reality.Infantiles feel so strongly about their views they cannot rise above these feelings.
• Inability to understand other people. Children quarrel easily because their brains are underdeveloped and they cannot appreciate views outside their own. The adult Infantile retains this handicap not from an undeveloped brain, but an undeveloped ability to control personal feelings, which then overwhelms their cognition.
• Arbitrary rights. Because their cognitive strength is overwhelmed and because feelings determine reality, children can create the most arbitrary and outrageous “bill of rights.” Is there any reasonable basis for a brat to storm into mom’s kitchen where she’s working and demands her immediate, full attention? The adult Infantile is equally unconcerned with such trivial questions as the reasonableness of their actions.
• Endless rights.When an infant feels a need, the quiet household is pierced by shrill screams. Young parents learn early they either get the infant on a feeding schedule or go insane from endless demands. Adult Infantiles fare little better, crying “Foul!” whenever compunction dictates. They live in a simple world of candy-canes and lollipops where they should never have to feel bad.
• Perverted justice. The younger the child, the less able he is to shrug-off hurts. With great emotional flair and righteous indignation the Infantile insists it is an abortion of justice to overlook the wrongs perpetrated against his person! Aggressive Infantiles are quarrelsome and nasty, while more passive temperaments dish out the silent treatment. Long rehearsals of grievances (sometimes from distant years) make the Infantile difficult to please for most people.
• Over-reactions and even violence. We call this “The Infantile Meltdown.” All self-control and constraints are swallowed by emotional turmoil. Rational thinking is gone. This is when the Infantile uses emotions like a club. Feelings of perceived wrongs are so overwhelming in children they feel they have the right to use force to get their way. Adult Infantiles likewise stomp around, storm out of the room, throw things, yell, threaten, and use punishing withdrawal. They regret it later when feelings subside, yet never enough to drop the emotional club because, after all, who would give up such a lethal and effective weapon? “I get what I want.” “I get attention.” The Infantile can train others to treat them “right” by instilling fear in others. It is typical, in fact, that emotional force is the only weapon or power the Infantile can wield in their world because they’re simply not mature enough to have built anything more substantive with their lives.
• Hedonistic, immediate gratification. When children roll out of bed, they ask, “What are we going to do today?” Kids live in the moment and the adult Infantile’s fixation with feelings turns the moment into a prison of addiction to emotional stimulation and pleasure.
• A narrow definition of love. Children understand love as emotional warmth – and love isemotional. But love is not exclusively emotional. A child has difficulty understanding that a parent’s discipline is also loving. Infantiles often feel they are loved by oozing warm feelings all over a person. But authentic love is sacrificial, and the oozing feelings that come so easily to the Infantile hardly quality as sacrificial.
• Inability to forgive.This is perhaps the most devastating deficiency of the Infantile because it leads to a trail of alienated, broken relationships. The infantile often feels that overlooking the wrongs perpetrated by others is a betrayal of justice. Yet ironically, the Infantile easily dismisses the wrongs he perpetrated. Infantiles with active temperaments are quarrelsome and nasty, while more passive Infantile temperaments will punish with silent treatments and long rehearsals of past injustices, sometimes from years long ago, which stirs up the hurt emotions and only confirms again the mistreatment perceived.

Foundations for Infantile Hope

The development from childhood to adulthood is not trite, nor is it quickly achieved. Yet an adult with Infantile emotional habits will obviously change much more rapidly than a child’s growth rate. Still, a person’s desire to grow up will determine the pace of change.

Kids are easily overwhelmed by “shotgun blast” discipline. A stream of unstrategic criticisms and a painful barrage of confrontations about failure will only exasperate a child, which the Bible warns against (see Eph. 6:4). For anyone to change, they must feel a sense of measurable progress and victory, and this is especially vital for the feelings-oriented Infantile. They need much encouragement and support. For this reason it is important not to let the focus of change become an issue-oriented focus, even if specific issues arise in the process of discussing the Infantile’s problems. Infantiles themselves struggle with getting entangled with picky issues and need to grasp the larger picture of maturity. “Issues” include specific incidents, behaviors, reactions, arguments, fights or whatever triggered an “Infantile Meltdown”. These are merely symptomatic events: what Ankenman called “a purple toothbrush” which is a unimportant issue or complaint used to distract from the main issue. People too often think they’ve resolved something significant with an Infantile simply because they paid attention to a insignificant issue. Unfortunately, the underlying emotional bankruptcy will erupt in yet some other arbitrary issue down the road.

The focus of growth for the Infantile must be squarely placed on taking two major steps in their lives: 1. Stop the emotional blackmail (i.e., Infantile Meltdowns), and

2. Stop stealing (taking), and start building, then having enough to give others. In short, stop the tantrums, and start the sacrifice (see Eph. 4:26-32).

Knowing and applying these two steps are two different conversations, however. There is a scenario which must be carefully considered for building growth layer-by-layer in an Infantile’s character. We are, after all, interested in character development, not behavioral change. What follows is a plausible approach, although there may be better scenarios or different priorities, depending on the key factors of a person’s ability, knowledge, and previous personal experience.

STEP #1: UNDERSTANDING PERSONAL CULPABILITY

This means building a healthy, spiritual awareness of personal shortcomings. It’s called sin. This sounds negative, but when approached in a godly fashion it is a very balanced and mature outlook on life. Everyone must know their weaknesses in order to navigate the real world (what Seligman calls “good commerce with the world,” above). Another way to phrase this is, “Get a grip on it!” (See Lamentations 3:39-40: “What right do I have to complain in light of my own sin?”)

Here’s a few suggestions to build this foundation…

• Daily prayer with God asking to understand His view on our natural Depravity. When the Infantile understands God’s unconditional love, it becomes much easier to endure the strain of having our own hopes and dreams crushed. But we can never see God’s unconditional love until we first understand how truly depraved we are. The Infantile’s narcissistic world view is rooted in an unrealistic view of self. What mature people call narcissism the Infantile calls “hopes and dreams I deserve” and it is so very painful to have our hopes and dreams crushed, is it not? God is gentle and kind, but He also is the most-qualified instructor on how deep our personal Depravity runs.

• It necessitates a very thorough understanding of the Bible’s teachings on Total Depravity. This is a theological issue. (Romans 3:10-18; 23; 7:14-21) This understanding is a difficult pill for anyone to swallow, but especially for an Infantile. Depending on how uneducated or inexperienced the Infantile is, this understanding may only dawn slowly over time.

The whole point of this exercise is to replace the Infantile’s false sense of “justice” with a realistic sense of gratitude. This is the heart of repentance – conversion from “this to that” or from unthankfulness to gratitude.

STEP #2: UNDERSTANDING PERSONAL IMPACT

The Infantile needs to develop an emotional appreciation of the adverse impact Infantile behavior inflicts on others. An Infantile may acknowledge personal culpability in an abstract sense (usually when it’s beneficial to them), but until conviction becomes an emotional reality it does not motivate change in the Infantile’s life.

Infantiles are impressed by feelings. This may be accomplished as simply as having the Infantile ask a close friend weekly, “How have I offended you this week?” Married people can ask spouses, “When did I make it hard for you to approach me this week?” But these cannot be brusque or indifferent conversations, because it is important for the Infantile to listen carefully and comprehend the viewpoint of others as fully as possible (see James 1:10). It requires laying aside the personal resentment and judgments, and often means forgiveness.

Infantiles need to pay attention to their thought life. Habits of thoughts are formed very early in life. Some infantiles learn to “act properly”; however, in their thoughts they are judging, criticizing, condemning, and even planning revenge. Mark 7:18-23 describes many of the activities of the thought life. These must be surrendered to God if the activity of love can begin. (See Psalm 139:23-24; Psalm 19:12-13.)

Obviously this effort requires the cooperation and support of others willing to spend the time and effort to help educate their beloved Infantile. But most vital to this effort, these are the people who teach the Infantile about their need for forgiveness and who actually extend forgiveness to the Infantile. We don’t want to set up the infantile for failure so their first forray into the arena of empathetic compassion probably shouldn’t be with their abusive father, for example. “Practice on the garter snake before handling the rattlesnake,” Dr. Ankenman used to say. If a garter snake bites, the effect is not as hurtful as the rattlesnake!

The whole point of this exercise is to learn about personal sin, which is so foundational to learning about forgiveness and by receiving forgiveness from others the Infantile experiences the importance of practicing forgiveness.

STEP #3: PRACTICING THANKFULNESS

Infantiles lack one of the main components in biblical love: being easy to please (1 Cor. 13:4-7 “Love is patient…is not easily angered…keeps no record of wrongs”). Their many complaints and the invisible “bill of rights” will overshadow the value of people. Learning forgiveness (Step #2) goes a long way toward becoming easy to please.

Yet the Infantile must grow beyond understanding forgiveness. They need to enter the unfamiliar realm of emotional stability, which means the transformation the strong negative reaction into a genuine loving concern emotion towards others.

Here is the golden rule for Infantile maturing: the doorway to true healing requires learning gratitude.

Paul describes the mindset of gratitude this way:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

Thankfulness begins with understanding the world that Paul describes. There is so much to be thankful for! Philippians 4:8 describes how the real worldactually looks to someone practicing and living Victorious Love. Infantiles are not accustomed to the real world. Instead, their world views are tainted by the fog of personal experience and shifting feelings. They need to understand that their complaint-filled world is temporal and unrealistic (i.e., unreal), and God’s victorious-filled world is realistic. The Bible calls this “hope”, and it’s the ability to see the unseen world ruled by God’s goodness, and it’s eternal. (Study “hope” in the New Testament, especially in Hebrews.)

Thankfulness must also be practiced in the real world. This means taking specific steps to express thankfulness in a way that registers positively and (most important) constructively in the lives of others. This is different, however, from temporary feel-good “warm fuzzies” which Infantiles can easily practice. We are describing something much more concrete here.

Recall that Paul describes the road to human depravity (the “personal culpability” issue raised, above) as starting with ingratitude:

“For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks…” Romans 1:21

Gratitude means to be openly, visibly, demonstrably thankful. The word Paul uses for “give thanks” is eucaristo in Greek, and it goes beyond merely feeling somewhat grateful. There is a significant difference between a grateful, passing thought and a demonstration of gratitude. Someone may claim to be grateful for their parents, but when was the last time it was expressed? Until expressed, this fleeting thought is not eucaristo. And more than words, eucharisto is a contribution to the other person’s good. So in our example about parents, above, the Infantile may need to drive his father to the eye doctor for an exam, and in this context also say “I’m grateful for you.” (See Phil. 1:3.)

Three simple questions can measure an Infantile’s attitude of gratitude:

1. To whom have you contributed helpfully and thankfully in the past week?
2. What did you do to express gratitude that was actually a contribution to that person’s good?
3. If asked, would the other person remember your last effort to demonstrate gratitude?

The conviction of what’s right or wrong should determine the way we treat other people, not our present feelings. Practicing gratitude may at first feel uncomfortable or unnatural to someone accustomed to a highly emotional lifestyle, because the language of gratitude is rooted in convictions, not emotions. It is, in fact, a foreign language for the Infantile to learn.

One of the most important places where the Infantile must learn to practice gratitude is with their parents. It was there, in that home, where the foundations of their emotional habits were formed. Because of their high of expectations, Infantiles typically have a resentful or demanding attitude towards their parents. These are called Love Demands, and they should be replaced with the language of gratitude, which may entail going home to help the parents around the house, perhaps helping with laundry or building something with the old man. The possibilities for practicing gratitude are endless.

In summary, we’re building in the Infantile a new set of experiences in Victorious Love Output. It’s a new way of interacting with the world, and experiencing the world. The result will be slow, perhaps, but eventually they will discover a new sense of “feeling loved” which surpasses their old “warm, fuzzy” definition of love.

STEP #4: BUILDING THE HEALING PROCESS

The core definition of immaturity is the inability to take care of oneself. Infantiles nurse their grudges and pains because they expect someone else to summon the maturity to initiate the healing process. Children will pout in their room until mommy comes to mend everything. Infantiles must learn how to initiate their own healing.

This specifically means learning to ask for forgiveness. This is closely related to the above point of “Understanding Personal Impact,” but this step goes further by calling on the Infantile to initiate change.

“Change begins with me”must become the Infantile’s “mantra,” in a sense. Infantiles will balk at the prospect of going back to ask for forgiveness because their focus is so fixed on their own feelings of unjust hurt. They want the other person to initiate asking for forgiveness, or at least participate equally in a fair exchange of “forgiveness-asking.” (See Matthew 7:3-5.)

“But what about my feelings?” an Infantile will ask (or think) indignantly. “After all, my feelings are important too!” There are many different permutations, but they all sound the same: “Make me feel good first, then I’ll do something I don’t want to do…”

It must be an unqualified request for forgiveness.Any attempt to focus on the other person’s wrongs is simply returning to that old, useless behavior. Even the youngest child can see the wrongs in other people and pout about it all day long. What is the use? By returning to other people’s issues, does this somehow promote the Infantile’s maturity? Quite the opposite: it merely reinforces Infantile expectations. Perhaps the most difficult habit to break for an Infantile is the need to focus on their perceived injustices, but it’s also the most useless and even destructive emotional habit.

It takes maturity and true strength of character to acknowledge personal wrong without qualification. By going back to ask for forgiveness, we are no longer discussing or learning or thinking, but actually living personal culpability and feeling the impact of our lives on others.

There are caveats to consider. This kind of conversation should not be done hastily for someone with deep emotional pain, someone without much experience of this nature, or if it involves someone who is potentially dangerous (on either side of the forgiveness equation). Failure at this effort will wreck havoc on the healing process, creating yet another defeating experience for the Infantile to ponder.

It may be wise to bring emotional (relational) support along, or practice or discuss the potential scenarios which could erupt during this conversation.

Especially vital is the awareness that it may not go as expected. Infantiles are notoriously unrealistic in their expectations, and will undoubtedly bring some of these into the forgiveness-seeking process. The Infantile should consider how to respond if the other person:

• …tries to “rub it in your face” a little bit?
• ….refuses to forgive you?
• …is essentially indifferent about your tremendous effort?
• …laughs at you?

ADDITIONAL STEPS

The steps outlined above are not fixed in stone, nor are they exhaustive. There are, for example, the additional issues which may be terribly debilitating and require primary attention before the healing process can start, i.e., for the non-functioning infantile male or the functioning infantile female:

• Choose one difficult person to serve, not requiring a positive responseor appreciation. An Infantile may be very unmotivated to change, or highly blinded by their incapacities. This activity helps to build a capability which is either very weak or entirely missing. Dr. Ankenman called this “learning to love the unloving,” and it is an experience the Infantile needs to develop as a discipline. This can begin through volunteering at a nursing home or working one-on-one with handicapped or underprivileged children. In this way the Infantile can begin developing the discipline of giving love without requiring an immediate return-on-investment.
• Developing a structured lifestyle.Infantiles dominated by strong emotions must learn to build a regular schedule. By definition, stability means regularity. A Diffuse Infantile is especially disgusted by those everyday, regular, normal activities because the emotional payload is so low. To change this orientation often requires outside help from someone who understands the necessity of regularity and structure, and knows how to introduce a more-structured lifestyle in the Infantile’s experience.

Real Progress

The Infantile’s maturity is evident through increasing occurrences of courageous, face-to-face problem solving with those who caused hurt or offense. This is an iimperative step towards maturity. The Infantile’s problem-solving abilities must be developed, and they need to build a history of victorious love relationships, which necessitaties problem resolution.

It is imperative that the Infantile exercises the self-discipline to stop reverberating emotional distress among other parties. It is so much easier to complain to outside parties, but it is not highly constructive or useful unless these problems get resolved. The “I quit” habit is equally destructive; therefore building a new habit of resolving the cause of problems will in a real way build a new confidence to stand and endure future emotional distress. The Infantile has to be convinced that if they don’t handle a problem when it is small – it WILL get bigger!

CAUSES FOR INFANTILE BEHAVIOR

The foundations for Infantile behavior in adults can be wide and varied. It is a good idea to understand why someone is trapped in this Infantile world, and learn to work with people’s limitations. There may be significant mitigating factors to consider.

• Natural gifting may cause an emotionally-dominant orientation in life.Artists, musicians, and others with highly-developed creative skills can find it extremely difficult to lay aside their emotional intuition and get a more realistic perspective which others more easily grasp. In other words, some Infantiles will always experience an initial Infantile emotional reaction to life. It won’t disappear, but they can learn how to avoid inflicting their emotional distress on others.
• Scientists or scholars or people with strong cognitive skillsmay be highly relationally impaired, especially when their vocations promote relational isolation or infantile behavior. They may be brilliant, but they behave like Infantiles. Dr. Ankenman once noted that “a person can have two PhD’s, yet have the emotional life of an eight-year old.” Working all day long with computers is equally stultifying emotionally. They need to engage the real world habitually in order to grow emotionally.
• Those with handicaps such as autism will naturally remain Infantile into adulthood, requiring tremendous patience and effort to teach them otherwise. But it is clear that anyone anywhere with any handicap can learn to “labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with one who has need.” Ephesians 4:28 (NASB)
• People never taught adult behavior or lack adult role models will continue behaving as Infantiles until enough pressure makes it impossible to continue living this way. Because of the self-esteem ideology that is being taught in modern culture, Infantilism is becoming more prevelant. (see Siligman’s research, for example).

Whether the infantile is handicapped by genetics, vocation, or a poor upbringing, it is still possible to bring these infantile tendencies sufficiently under control to pose no serioius barrier or threat to close relationships. It is not only possible, but God’s Word promises that the Infantile can develop the stability of maturity and experience God’s design for victorious love.

One Response to “Infantile Love”

1. Lisa says:

   May 20, 2010 at 8:57 am

   Thanks for having this information readily available. I plan on using this not only for working on my own defects, but also as a tool in discipling those in my women’s bible study. Until the emotional tumult is stabilized and efforts are extended sacrifically to give to others, little growth can occur spiritually. It’s like spinning your wheels and burning the rubber on your tires and not going anyway – it’s just a waste of resources and time.

   One question though, it seems that many “infantiles” will not spend the time to study the word – to gain understanding of the big picture – of God’s perspective. This understanding seems crucial for growth or positive movement. They also need to give sacrifically to others for growth.
   Honestly, I am struggling with these preactices in discipleship. I know gentle correction is key in training, but I seem to err by either being enabling (overly understanding) or seemingly “harsh” (by firmly pointing out their anger or demanding ways). This is such a delicate dance. Any suggestions?