Comments on: The Demands of Loneliness

By: Love Ethics » Section 1 - Introduction to Love Ethics

Love Ethics » Section 1 - Introduction to Love Ethics — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:00:25 +0000

[...] or two hours with a patient, rather than rushing through three or four per hour. [↩]See the NeoZine article on Loneliness for research. [↩]See recent PBR broadcast about how neuro-imaging and genetics research [...]

By: Love Ethics » From Love Therapy to Love Ethics - Draft 1

Love Ethics » From Love Therapy to Love Ethics - Draft 1 — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 00:45:45 +0000

[...] the NeoZine article on Loneliness for some research. [↩]See recent PBR broadcast. [...]

By: Katey

Katey — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:53:55 +0000

Dear Roshalone: I remember Dr. Ankenman saying once, “It’s a wonder we are not all insane because of the craziness in the world.” People in cubes don’t know what to say when someone is crying or depressed. It’s much like going to a funeral when you don’t know God. You don’t know what to say to comfort the relatives of the person who died. And, for the most part, the people in the office are most likely thinking about themselves, not you, so don’t worry about if you have offended anyone – unless, of course, you did say something smart-aleky to a person. You probably would know if you did that, being brought up to be “well mannered with good morals. But what about that stuff about your folks worshipping idols? How mixed up is that? I’ll tell you what. You are a Christian and so you have the authority to love people no matter how they treat you. Read Luke 6:27-38. You are letting other people influence you – even to the point of hatred! That is deep pain there. It does hurt to be rejected. Help me understand something. You said you were brought up in a denominational Christian home, yet say your family is not saved. I don’t get that. I do get that you have a relationship with the Lord and he is holding you close. Are you in NeoXenos? Do you talk to people about what is going on in your heart? And, Roshalone, we all stray but we have a Good Shephard that watches over us and pulls us out of ditches. He knows your name and He delights in you. Hope you are having a better day today.

By: roshalone

roshalone — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 18:03:09 +0000

Hi Katey downs, thanks for pulling me up. The day i wrote that i was realllllly down and crying in my cube in office. I actually expected someone to comfort me , but noone did. There have been times in the past 4 yrs where ive seen people avoid me like the plague. I stay awake at night wondering if i had done something in a certain way which should have offended people hence i should avoid doing that – but it never is the solution.
I am generally a quiet and introvertish kind of person, i dont care about alot of worldly things and kepy reminding myself how good and clean i am. Now its backfiring on me. I dont think i have ever been a selfish self centered person, infact was brought up to b well mannered and good morals but our house was a denominational christian house and my folks worshipped idols n stuff. Anyways the thing is i dont know why people are moving away from me, its like a sting and everytime sombudyy i really like and i try 2 get friendly wid them, they do something dat hurts me no end and then i open notepad and write – i hate them i hate this world get lost get out of my life..
im writing this nw and think hw insane i am..but in a fit of anger u cud even take a gun ..i always pray “Lord i want to be a testimony in my house” my family is not saved. You knw hw He replies – with a measuring tape – rosh this is what u have to lose to be a testimony!!…The Lord is so good !! and its only becos of Him that i hvnt done anythin drastic like puttin an end 2 my life.
To cut a long story short i dont know how to get this physical comfort i keep yearning for. Or maybe im filling myself up with other things other then the Lord. Sometimes i wonder whom have i become – the world sets standards – good bad ugly..according to those standards i am losing my senses. I duno why im alone, why is the Lord punishing me? what is He teaching me? am i too individualistic? am i a pushover? i dont care abt all these painful life lessons as long as its the right path..tht worries me too. What if the Lord is correcting me bcos i hv strayed?..someone told me all the answers are alrdy answered in His word and in our mingled Spirit – again ther i go anxious dat im doing smthing wrong and even a failure before God.
i am not sure if you got my email id Katey but i guess me posting here continuosly is goin to be a bit too negative, its nice to read testimonies nt as wat i hv written.

By: katey downs

katey downs — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 17:05:24 +0000

Dear Roshalone: I can so identify with your feelings of loneliness. I spent years feeling unloved and not known. I always liked people a lot, and was outgoing, so could hide my loneliness. Then I realized, like you have, that I didn’t know how to love anyone. I realized that I was selfish and self-centered. I asked God to teach me how to love his way. He began to show me that I was not the center of the universe, and that I needed to think about how to sacrifically love others, regardless of how they treated me. It was a process of deciding to love others as God loved me – being kind, gracious, giving others the benefit of the doubt, asking questions rather than assuming I knew what they were thinking or why they did whatever they did. I would get so angry and God told me I needed to use my negative anger force (things didn’t go my way) to redemptive emotional force (what do you need?). I think those are enough words for now. I hope you will respond and we can dialogue about this. Loneliness is the emotion that says “Nobody loves me.” Joy is the emotion that says “I can love anyone no matter how they treat me.” Let’s talk.

By: roshalone

roshalone — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:15:54 +0000

i figured alot with most of you and could see myself hvin written all this, esp wat lbeech says. Being lonely is hurting and sooo painful.I live in the worlds second most populated country and yet i am all by myself most of the time. While everyone walks in groups of not less then 5 i usually walk with my shadow, for me it mainly physical loneliness and then lack of emotional support.People who were my friends(ex-friends) make fun of me that im a loner etc.They became my ex friends bcos we disagreed on everything or rather i was too proud too agree on anything.
When i was in school n college i had good no. of intimate friends, once i joined work it kept bcomin narrower and narrower till today i cant even point one person and say we are mutual friends it always is one-sided.

How did it come to this? i got anxiety attacks wondering what happend to u oh popular steady girl? my sisters wer envious that i always had good buddies now they think am one depressd lonely nomad.
I was baptised in college almost 10 years ago and since then i have become very choosy abt friends, is it my self righteousness – i think so. My innate nature has been to b very proud and stubborn.I also felt i dont need anyone but God. Nobody is in the same frequency as me, why bother makin them understand who i am.

So whats the solution to fighting loneliness?. Everybody says the Lord will deal but i love the Lord and i Know its His love that contrains me to love Him- why am i still so alone..i console myself by saying He is testing me- He is teaching me to rely more on Him(i hv tendency to get influenced by others easily).
Its been tough, i become bitter easily and then angry at the world.I keep thinkin its bcos of the way i look that ppl dont want to befriend me since i hv several email / phone pals.
Well ive been facing this for 4 years nw and somehw this yr ive been beginning to get more positive abt this. The Lord is the Comforter and He is showin me things abt me i need to change. Talking about deep-rooted change, its quite difficult and even one day i dont read His word i fall prey to my pride and a fresh burst of anxiety attack. Am pressing on forward to the riches set before me, for me this the good fight i have to fight- my self!

By: neozine » Blog Archive » Reality Parenting

neozine » Blog Archive » Reality Parenting — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:58:30 +0000

[...] its immune system and large array of crippling maladies, as research has demonstrated (see Loneliness). These young adults become new patients at Dr. Ankenman’s clinic, crippled with emotional [...]

By: Katey

Katey — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 15:05:15 +0000

It is always stunning to look back on your life after you have received Christ. You begin to see how He was always there, and sometimes even orchestrating events so that we would come to the point of calling out to Him for deliverance. I can so identify with the loneliness. My family is large – six children, mom and dad married for 60+ years before my dad died, but without relationships with one another. My dad was super critical, angry, depressed – especially when he returned from WW11 with a painful back injury. Mom was functional. I was a diffuse sanguine and put all my investment into friends. My world began to fall apart when my dad got transferred to Cleveland, Ohio and I had to move from Iowa to Ohio the day after my graduation. Living in a strange town, working a job I didn’t like, with no friends, sent me into extreme loneliness and a sense of no hope. A guy from my home town started writing to me, visited me in Cleveland, and asked me to marry him. To me he was home. We didn’t have a relationship. But I married him. So, I went from extreme loneliness to what felt like death. I am sure I was in a deep depression for several years. I had no idea of how to love a man or build my own PLV. I had no category for PLV. That marriage didn’t last and five years later I married a second husband, who was tribal. With this marriage I built a home according to his specs. We had two sons and this marriage was like my parent’s marriage, i.e., lots of fights. This husband tried to mold me into his image and I resisted. But I called out to the Lord and He made himself known to me. When I became a Christian I knew I had “found my home.” The bible was alive to me and Christ was my love. There continued to be battles in the home, but they were different. I wanted Christ to be the head of the home. I did many things wrong, and Ankenman came on the scene and I began to learn how to love God’s way. The war between the flesh and the Spirit is great, but I was determined to honor God, love my husband, and train my kids. Looking back on my life, I can see that loneliness and depression are the result of not knowing God and loving others his way. I am very thankful for the years I had to spend in the “wilderness” to come to the point where I understood “apart from Christ I can do no good thing.” I am so grateful for your vulnerability, Lisa and Kalie. We are all cut from the same cloth and have suffered from the same “afflictions” which, in the long run, drove us to the One who could heal us. I am also so grateful for the people in the Community of Believers who are patient and graceful to us as we learn how to love God’s way.

By: kmcc

kmcc — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 01:03:57 +0000

It’s so cool to see how the Lord’s been stirring your heart, Lisa. And such a heart there is to stir, too! I just praise God for your joy and the freedom He’s provided you from so much loneliness and dead-ends…exactly what I’m afraid most people consider “normal”. The Lord’s going to use you to set other captives free, too.

By: lbeech

lbeech — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 15:39:26 +0000

“Each new relationship is so promising, but in fact it’s tainted by the terrible weight of loneliness she brings from her growing collection of unhappy relationships.”

I can sure identify with that sentiment.

I was very alone as a child – my parents divorced when I was 8 -This divorce was very tramatic; I don’t even recall several years of my life – at least not very well. I do, however, remember feeling so alone. I spent a lot of time with God. At first that sufficed, but I needed someone to love – needed someone there to tell me I was important – that I mattered.

At times I thought my head would explode; it was the late seventies, Leonard Nimoy’s voice boomed in my head as he described spontaneous human combustion. I actually believed that I would explode as I sensed my head pounding, the flow of my blood rushing past my ears. I later would learn this was anxiety; I was afraid and physically affected by my loneliness and lack of security – I was nothing.

I always kept a cool distance from people – letting myself engage others – but never sharing myself deeply or getting to know them well. I’m not even sure if I knew how to relate to my peers – I was so alone. I meant nothing. Whatever.

I threw myself into knowledge and I devised a plan to escape – then somewhere else and as someone else – I would be someone! I needed no one as “they” only leave you – helpless and alone. I wouldn;t make that mistake again.

My father left me twice – first when he and my mother divorced – second when I was 14 and he told me he was moving to “Blessed California” – he wanted me to tell my brothers that he was leaving us again. My mother was suing him for back child support; it was the ression of the 80’s and he had been out of work due to an injury (he’d broke his neck and could not work for 9 months). My world fell apart – everyone I loved sucked. Everyone I trusted left me.

I cared for my family; took care of my little brother; I cooked; I cleaned; I had straight A’s, played vollyball. I worked at Montgomery Wards and was the good girl. I went to church and I stayed in my room and read books and wrote poetry.

I was the perfect daughter, yet I was the most miserable creature to ever walk this earth. I held on to the hope that I would matter in college and that I could find significance there. Boys used me; I was easy and vulnerable prey. I wanted to be loved. I was also sick of being good.

This is when I truly decided to use people and to be alone. I only needed myself and I deceived myself that I was strong and content – even happy. I would not be physically alone – I could have “associates” and my boy toys – but they were only props in some sort of sick drama that I controlled. When things didn’t go according to my script, I’d ditch that friend or that guy as quick as I could. I only needed myself.

I used to wear the badge of “loneliness” or of self-reliance as a mark of honor. I didn’t need anyone, I only needed me, myself, and I. I was going be somebody – somebody who doesn’t need you!

I meant nothing. I became nothing – I called out to God.

That was the year I first came to Xenos – 1987. God heard a miserable, prideful, bitter animal – a child of rage and destruction – he brought me up and out of that.

Yes – I remember bitter loneliness. God is good.