He gave me significance. He loved me so much, Amidst emotional and financial problems , He gave me comfort and love.

Life is a rocky road, life is rough yet beautiful.

He blest me today that I discover neozine.org.

God is Great!

Dr. Sabando

Reading it over was strange for me. There are times I feel so connected to that girl I described; then there are other times, she seems so alien to me – so sad.

I am amazed at the life God has given to me. I should not have such a rich and full life – my life should be weak and empty – a black hole. As time goes by I realize what God’s love and the ability to love means to me.

I was so lost, but because of His great love – I am found! I’m not just talking about salvation. I want to share that possiblity – that potential reality – with others. I guess that’s why I write about my life.

But you certainly raise a significant question about the significance we may try to take from ministry. I’ve seen numerous victims of “Post-Traumatic-Stress-Syndrome” in the ministry effort. Somehow they were using ministry inappropriately, but how?

Truthfully, it is the significance we gain through God’s love and loving others that truly satisfies. This is because real significance must include an emotional component, “from the heart,” as Paul says.

When I was 8, my parents divorced; my mother broke down and my brothers and I were sent to live with relatives for a month or so. I was alone; everything I knew was gone; my room, my Lassie stuffed animal, my dog Shannon, my dad and now my mom. All I had was the care of detached grandparents and their daughters who were my age. I also had a rabbit pelt, my dad had bought for me. I did not escape depression that time. It overwhelmed me – I wept nightly – for years; there is one year I still cannot recall to this day. I was nothing. I recall nothing.

As I became a teenager, I attempted to gain significance through several avenues:

At age 10 I took care of my mother and tended to the house and my brothers -theyneeded me. I became a little mother – I didn’t need anyone – except Jesus and pleasing my mother – I became obsessed with God and suffering and death. I felt that I was suffering and serving Christ by caring for my mom and I felt significant … for awhile. Death consumed my thoughts and I wanted Jesus to save me from this … it seemed imminent.

By the 7th grade I was now obsessed with running and working out and monitoring my caloric intake and energy expended. I soon weighed 90 pounds and hid my low weight from my parents by taring the scale. Girls were amazed by my slender frame and fit body. I felt significant – for awhile….

Later, this role of caretaker and cleaner did not satisfy me. Being thin no longer made me feel important. I turned to academics and sports as an attempt to gain popularity and significance in High School; I didn’t have many peers in school as I had gone to a private school through 8th grade.
I made the volleyball team and did well; I made the honor roll and surpassed all my classmates in excellence. For a while I felt significant … for a while.

Then I met some guy… he did everything I said. I dominated our relationship. For awhile I felt important and adored… for a while. Then he bored me and I needed to get out of this crappy town… Stow sucked .. maybe people elsewhere didn’t suck so much.

I looked to college…I escaped to OSU. I was going to be somebody…someone who didn’t need you …but who you needed and wanted to be like. I was a driven and disciplined student. Then I changed…or I realized that I wanted more from life…I wanted to have fun…I learned how to party… I was happy … for a while.

I jumped from shallow relationship to shallow relationship; I dropped out of college, not because it was difficult, but because I wanted to party and I needed money to have fun and to buy great clothes…guys adored me. I was happy…for a while.

Then, one of these guys forced himself on me. I was never the same. I never wanted to “be” with guy. I just wanted to mess around. I became nothing. I was empty. I had become a shell. I was used up.

Well, as you can see. People do so many different things to gain significance: Many even leave there families for new spouses or throw themselves into career to build financial security. Others buy homes they can’t afford and delve into decorating it.

What about the “Betty Crocker” syndrome – I’ve had this one too. Being the “perfect mother” who gardens, cleans, remodels, works out, tends to her children – who becomes nothing and an empty shell. Oh yes, I’ve done that one too.

And now – could it be ministry or serving and sacrifice? Hmm…I know my fleshly tendencies. But, I also know that I have learned alot about relationships – my relationship with God and my hubby and others.

I always sought significance from myself – through what I do – through self determination. I now have a better grasp that I am significant – or I perceive significance when I have affected another person through the interactions of our relationship. It can be so fun and invigorating – it can also be frightening and difficult and rewarding.

Jesus actually values me … shallow, empty, used up Lisa. He gave me things I never earned … he loved me … Steve loved me … girls in the Ministry house loved me. He actually has a purpose for my life! A purpose that’s not all about me!