The Early Marriage Controversy

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The Early Marriage Controversy

August 5th, 2009 | 18 Comments Recommended? 3 Yes! No!

Christianity Today publishes an article about the growing fear of marriage among Christians.

“Evangelical discourse on sex is more conservative than I’ve ever seen it.” Mark Regnerus, CT 7/31/2009

The writer raises excellent concerns about the sillyness, fearfulness, and even the strange, unbiblical thinking about sex that saturates Christian dialog. For example:

Sex will be so much better if you wait until your wedding night,” they urged. If we could hold out, they said, it would be worth it. The sheer glory of consummation would knock our socks off. Such is the prevailing discourse of abstinence culture in contemporary American evangelicalism. Regnerus

Such weak reasoning carries little weight with sharp-minded Millennials, the author points out. And what’s missing? The biblical foundation for understanding sex: namely, the joy of marriage.

“Sex” means “Marriage” in the Bible. Even non-Christians agree sex belongs in a committed, love relationship, although they might disagree it means marriage–an understandable position, since there’s no understanding about marriage outside of the Bible. So the secular realm puts marriage in the realm of “the great unknown” which might happen some time, somehow. Meanwhile, let’s pursue alternative commitments.

"Everybody needs passion," Rod Stewart once sang.

Unfortunately, Christians have followed the culture and placed marriage in the distant, unknowable future, while we pursue money, career, and the American way first and foremost (degrees, careers, home-buying, etc.). Rather than creating better marriages, this modern practice of long delays creates distress, frustration and confusion for young Christians.

His stats (if true) certainly prove the abysmal failure of the conservative Christian approach to sex and marriage:

Over 90 percent of American adults experience sexual intercourse before marrying. The percentage of evangelicals who do so is not much lower. In a nationally representative study of young adults, just under 80 percent of unmarried, church- going, conservative Protestants who are currently dating someone are having sex of some sort. Regnerus

Read the article and let us know what you think!

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18 Responses to "The Early Marriage Controversy"

kalie.b says:

08/05/2009 at 1:04 pm

I haven’t had a chance to read this article yet but was excited to see it as a cover story and skim the beginning. It reminded me of that advice, “Get ‘em married!” We’ve seen what good advice that was as those who tied the knot in that winter wedding marathon seem to be thriving spiritually and therefore relationally.
lbeech says:

08/05/2009 at 2:21 pm

There is a growing movement among older professional women to end their marriages – It’s just too much work. Slightly off topic, but shows the cynicism growing in our culture, here’s a blog on the enlightened female of today.

http://lisabeech.neoblogs.org/archives/357
lmorscher says:

08/05/2009 at 3:31 pm

At first I felt like rolling my eyes at this, but I think this guy says it like it is–I’m so glad you’re bringing this Christianity Today article to our attention. Sorry, I know my kids will be flinching just to see my name in the comments section here, but I hope particularly Word/CBS cells or discipleship groups will read it together & talk about it. Good critical thinking on our culture’s no good views of sex/marriage & pertinent issues for both men & women to think through…..interesting picture, Keith.
Hacker says:

08/05/2009 at 7:58 pm

Thanks, Lina. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind it if I posted that picture of you & Greg…
Psong says:

08/05/2009 at 8:23 pm

Hey, we just talked about this last week at CBS.

Many people think of it like why buy a car when you can test drive it or how Justin puts it why buy the cow when you can have the milk?

We talked about how most people cohabit before marrying. Lots of people do because it’s cheaper than marrying and easy to get out of. The problem with this became bigger as Christians my age began doing it and saying it’s okay.
Sex is for marriage and supposed to help us get sense of unity.
greg says:

08/06/2009 at 11:39 am

Yeah, i was a little embarassed … I’ve really toned up since then.
indre says:

08/06/2009 at 2:56 pm

There is valuable wisdom about the man being able to provide for his wife/family apart from his own parents. Acc. to scripture the man is supposed to leave his parents and provide for his own, on his own. If a young man can do this, then that is cool, and it can work. So much goes into the principle of “leaving and cleaving – not just monetary issues, but personal responsibility for any decisions as well. I think there is a danger of young people getting married before they can “leave” the parents in the way of finances as well as in handling responsibilities. I have seen too many marriages go south, because the husband was not willing to take on the responsibility of being the breadwinner (or bringing in any income for that matter), or not taking on the responsibility of commitment to their wife and to their kids. Not willing to take on Godly leadership, not willing to educate himself about having a Godly marriage and being a Godly father…etc. (sorry guys) Don’t get me wrong, the woman needs to be able to take on commitment and responsibility as well. But if the man is not going to lead here -I’m afraid there is very little hope of it working. Back to getting married early – if the couple has shown acts of personal responsibility and commitment to God and to eachother – Then is age, level of education and level of income really that important.? What do you think?
Carrie says:

08/07/2009 at 11:24 pm

I think you’re absolutely right Indre, there are so few men out there that do not want the responsibility of leadership, do not want to “grow up”. Of course I can say the same of young women. I think another problem that he addresses in this article is that the culture is sending the message of ” don’t get married until you graduate from college” then it’s the career, make sure your ” financially ready” to get married, whatever that means. And the church comes in and preaches abstinance until marriage? That puts peeps at 27 to 28 yrs old! I don’t know about anyone else but I know when I was in college I was HORNY! I totally agree with your statement about being committed to each other and God, I don’t think anything else matters. God will use all those other factors for His sanctifying purposes.
Mike Hudock says:

08/08/2009 at 2:19 am

come on i feel like its disrespect fest on the young men here… come on dudes we need someone to get on here and talk about all the negative aspects of young women in early christian marriages.

anyways if this article is telling me to wait till im 27 to get married then i say screw that! maybe ill wait maybe i wont… we shall see what God is leading me to do in the near future.
Mike Hudock says:

08/08/2009 at 2:48 am

ok so i read the article and the only type of scripture that i could really find that was relevant in the article itself was when the author brings up what Paul says in 1 cor 6- about it is better to marry than to burn with sexual desire. That is very true, but i need more scripture this article still has not persuaded me to wait till im out of college to get married. You can tell me all you want to wait, but if there is no truth behind it from The Lord our God then i wont be preached at like that.

Also what about in 1 cor 7 when Paul starts talking about how we are more useful to the Lord when we are unmarried because we can focus on God and his will rather than wordly things and well the wife at home. I do agree with that but if a young man is ready to get married and still have enough substance and a strong walk with God then wouldnt that be good?
lbeech says:

08/08/2009 at 1:38 pm

Mike, you made some really valid points about being able to focus on the” Lord and not on worldly things and the wife,” but when the hormones are a calling – and this does happen and the urge to “mess around” grows intensity, then marry or break up. Can a person seriously focus on the things of the Lord, when the call of nature is screaming like a banchee inside? So many people, think they can play this game and not get burned. They’re wrong. People just plain get hurt.

As for the issues with young women, oh they are numerous. So many of us young girls are freaking princesses and we want what we want and we know just how to torture you guys to get our way. I agree the guys do need to lead and break the bonds to mommy and daddy – be a man – take care of your needs – food, shelter, holding a job, doing well in school and above all growing in Christ centered love and service.
But you gals, and you know who you are, want to be desired and long to have a man captivated by your presence. It is not only a problem for man to leave their family of birth, but also for the young women. I don’t mean to come off critical, BUT – Grow up girls and take responsiblity for your life as well. Choose carefully with whom you fall in love. Character is far more lasting than some hot body or good time – focus on a man who has godly character – who loves others and who doesn’t place you on a pedestal. No one makes you date or marry a loser. Perhaps who you consider is loser is really an amazing man of God. Character and love for God and others is the most attractive thing in the world.

I’m just saying that so many of the young women I know are so shallow when it comes to why they like who they like. If I hear one more time how hot some dudes rear is – I’ll just scream. I’m thinking, So, apparently a nice tush will provide for you and lead you to follow the Lord. gmab. Get some depth ladies.
Kyle says:

08/10/2009 at 11:34 am

Sex is evil, evil is sin, Jesus forgives us, so stick it in!

I know a christian girl who justified her actions with that little rhyme.
Hacker says:

08/10/2009 at 5:03 pm

Hahaha, that’s a real hooter, Kyle, one of the best I’ve heard. But who was this “Christian girl”? And did she convince you…!?!

But yes, parents have many, many worries. One of the interesting features of the American marriage paradigm is the “Sink or swim” ethic forced on young marrieds by an ethic of autonomy. I don’t think parents were ever this detached and unhelpful with newlyweds, historically. Ha! On the other hand, the way parent-kid relationships have been developing the past few generations, who would ever want their parents anywhere near their marriage, eh?

The relational breakdown between parents and kids is, of course, prophesied by Jesus when he described this era.

I ask this: so when is any young man able to rise to solid financial standing, keep his zipper zipped-up, take on the mantle of household-leadership, take a mature lead, etc., etc. before he can get married?

It seems to me that if they don’t have children, they will actually be stronger economically as a married couple. I know couples who would get divorced immediately, but the economic benefits of staying married is too compelling to ignore.
Joel says:

08/10/2009 at 11:08 pm

I got married at 22 and it was awesome. I have to respectfully disagree with the “financially stable” idea. I had just graduated (a week earlier) and had no job. I remember taking a shower, looking at the shampoo in my hand, and thinking “better make it last…don’t know when we’ll get any more!” We pooled our money, we both worked, then Kat put me through grad school. I think we’re doing fine (17 years later!). And these days, what man can promise to be financially stable–ever? That ain’t gonna happen, especially if people prioritize the Lord over their job. And, it is cheaper to live together than separately.

The young married, but no kids, years are absolutely incredible (we had 7 years before kids!). There’s a sense in which young couples can grow together and establish a household together before they’re stuck in their ways. Was I mature? Nope. Did I understand how to do marriage? Nope. But our peeps should have the BODY to help, like many of us didn’t. There are certain advantages to being in the body of Christ, you know.

Obviously, teen marriages don’t work (stats say prior to 19 is a no-way) but waiting too long is a bad move. I say that when the right man or woman comes along, you tie the knot and be done with it. Seriously, how many Godly men are there these days? (or women) So what if you’re 22 or 23 years old? You wait, you may miss the best chance you get.
Hacker says:

08/12/2009 at 11:20 am

We need to hear from Joesnake on this issue.
lbeech says:

08/12/2009 at 3:04 pm

Anyone read this book, Porn University by Michael Leahy. This research may have strong implications concerning early marriage – or marriage in general.

http://www.pornnationthebook.com/?page_id=407
Joe says:

08/12/2009 at 5:01 pm

What a coincidence because I just re-read Driscoll’s book “Religion Saves” on my vacation which addresses, in one portion of the book, dating and marriage. I thought this part of his book was really good. So, I have already been thinking about this.

First, I totally agree with the author of the article – if you can wait until your mid-20′s to have sex (and be married), then you’ve got the gift.

I totally agree with what Joel is saying that finances shouldn’t be a determining factor in the decision to marry and being married in your early 20′s is awesome! However, I also agree with Indre – if the couple isn’t mature enough to make it on their own, no way the should marry!

It is true that it is better to marry than to burn, but what about if the couple doesn’t have the moral fiber and character to pull off a marriage? I totally agree with the article on the fact that dudes today have many problems upon graduation from high school/college and entry into the real world. Problem #1 is increasingly they don’t know how to be men! From my own experience, I had a lot of growing up to do before marriage was a realistic option. I graduated from college and was thrust into the “real world” without a clue, and it took me many months to recover. Although job and finances were related to the issue, it really was at the core a matter of me being “grown up” enough to lead and provide for my wife. When I say “provide” of course this entails much more than just dollars and cents. To put it simply, it was an Eph 4:28 issue – I needed to first be able to provide for myself (and stop depending on others) before I could realistically hope to provide for a wife.

While I guess there’s no “rule” in the bible about the level of maturity you have to be at to be married, a young couple would be wise to think and pray this through and get some counsel from other older couples. I thank God that he was able to address my “man” issues before I jumped into marriage!

Mikey – I didn’t see where the article was saying wait until you’re 27 to get married, in fact I thought it was saying the opposite! Hence the title of the article, “The Case for Early Marriage”. You may want to re-read, especially the portion that says “One byproduct of the abstinence culture is that some marry early simply for the promise of long-awaited, guilt-free sex” since you’re so quick to bust out the better to marry than burn passage!

As for Driscoll’s take, he thought dating couples should treat each other like brother and sister before marriage! What do y’all think about that?!?

Lastly, if there really are that many more Christian women then men out there, why aren’t the CBS dudes fishing for these fundy hotties on their church visits? Don’t we have more guys than girls in CBS? Come on, guys!
Mike Hudock says:

08/12/2009 at 6:27 pm

Ya Joe my bad, i actually saw that in carries comment. While i was reading the article it did say after college and when the man would be financially stable which the appropriate age would be around 27. To save my butt a little bit more i did say “IF” in my comment.

I think it would really take a lot of faith to be able to pull off an early marriage if your trying to still live for the Lord, like what Joel was saying in his comment. While trusting God, He will provide for us, so in a sense there is nothing to worry about. The Lord does keep his promises but he also says to be patient, love is patient after all. So a long engagement wouldn’t be too out of the question. Yet that just brings more problems because there is more temptation with that. I think i read that somewhere in Dennis McCallums’ book “spiritual relationships that last.”