Oct 26 2007
The Demands of Loneliness
Our heart-felt Love Demands are not without reason or justification. We know it, deep inside, even if nobody else agrees. “I’m so lonely!” screamed John Lennon, “Wanna die!” The torture in his heart erupts through his guitar. Loneliness foments and froths and wells deep inside until it erupts with an irrational force that alienates everyone nearby. When it subsides, it only burrows deeper.
Loneliness is emptiness. It is isolation. It is utterly dehumanizing. Solitary confinement is the torture that breaks the human spirit and melts the will of hardened criminals in prison. Loneliness screams to be healed, and it must be healed. Love Demands feel more like Love Necessities inside: human nature demands the loneliness must end.
Empirical research provides abundant correlation between loneliness and a wide range of debilitating and fatal maladies. Its effects range from simple anxiety, addictions, chronic depression and suicide to alcoholism, sociopathic hostility and even physical sickness like heart disease and increased risk for cancer.
But expensive research is hardly needed for most of us to know that loneliness is devastating. The following account is far too common:
Holy crap. I miss my family really badly. I am the oldest of 11 going on 12 kids, and they all live very far away. I am all by myself in NYC… if I really wanted to go home I could, though I know it sucks there. My boyfriend dumped me and I almost got fired at work today… I don’t know why I feel so bad when there really are people who care about me. But I do feel horribly lonely. I know I could get into another relationship, but I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I got married at 20, and am already alone again. – Wanda
How can she be so lonely in a crowded place like New York City? With 11 siblings, an intact family, many “people who care about me,” once married and still apparently attractive enough to easily “get into another relationship,” she still says, “But I do feel horribly lonely.” It’s a dark and malignant emptiness growing inside her. Whatever else could be said about her situation, one point is clear: loneliness is inside, not out there.
The Confusion Inside
The depressing sense of isolation – not a temporary thing from a business trip or death of a spouse – but this chronic, sometimes debilitating alienation is what Wanda describes. It’s an emptiness that settles bone-deep, a heavy weight carried from one relationship to another. This is Wanda’s life. Surely from among all the many diverse people she knows, someone could fill that emptiness, but not so! Each new relationship is so promising, but in fact it’s tainted by the terrible weight of loneliness she brings from her growing collection of unhappy relationships.
Loneliness becomes a confusing collection of feelings and experiences so difficult to grasp! Loneliness always intensifies when a relationship fails, so it seems to be connected to other people. In fact the truly defining moments in our lives are tied to other people. The sudden death of a parent, or marriage, or the birth of a child, or divorce, or the loss of a child become the milestones of our lives as we look back.
Our greatest changes come from the way someone else reached deep inside and touched us. It could be a high school teacher who believed in us, or an elementary teacher who embarrassed us in front of the class. It is a distinctive characteristic of the human psyche to be impervious to changes in the environment and the world of nature and surrounding circumstances, but still remain vulnerable and exposed to the personal touch of another human heart.
Unlucky Loneliness
Does this mean Wanda is one seriously unlucky person? Why can’t she find someone to counter that growing repository of loneliness?
She carries it with her because loneliness is undeniably our personal property and beyond the control of anyone else. The next man she marries—if there is one—will live with her deep sense of despair and he’ll be powerless to touch it unless Wanda grants permission. Our heart becomes the county trash dump for all the people we allow inside. After they leave, our hearts still hold their filthy garbage. No wonder Wanda is reluctant to let still more people come tromping inside!
The Bible frames this same quandary in more concise terms:
The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9 (NASB95)
Yes, the heart grows very deceitful in time as become more cagey and crafty dealing with people. But no matter how skilled we become, the craftiness won’t keep our hearts from getting polluted with the deceit and sickness other people dumped there.
Time is growing short for Wanda, since each new relationship burns her emotional energy and each failure grinds her hope away. Her quest is so useless! She roams and seeks for The One with enough love to fill this dark loneliness and clean up the mess, but no human can reach that deep inside her.
Her “desperately sick” heart it is not beyond the reach of God, however. Answering the earlier question in verse 9, God says:
“I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind!” Jeremiah 17:10a (NASB95)
God offers relief for everyone like Wanda struggling with loneliness, and those who turn to Him can find the relief King David describes:
Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way. Psalms 139:23-24
Lonely With Company
Wanda is lonely, but not alone. “Loneliness is a condition of human life, an experience of being human,” writes a modern philosopher, which “is within life itself.” Thomas Wolfe framed it well:
The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence. When we examine the moments, acts, and statements of all kinds of people-not only the grief and ecstasy of the greatest poets, but also the huge unhappiness of the average soul…we find, I think, that they are all suffering from the same thing. The final cause of their complaint is loneliness. - Thomas Wolfe.
Today “the huge unhappiness of the average soul” is drawing considerable attention from philosophers, anthropologists, psychologists, sociologists as well as the medical community. Their research has proven invaluable, yet secular thinkers are still baffled by it: “the meaning of loneliness remains ‘an enigma,’” writes one researcher. Despite our vast scientific and medical resources, our technology and even the billions spent on entertainment, the problem of loneliness is growing in modern culture.
Redefined Loneliness
People are baffled by their loneliness, and so are academics and scholars. Solutions are few and insufficient. One popular approach attempts to control loneliness by labeling it Existential Loneliness and framing it as something “which enables the individual to sustain, extend, and deepen his humanity.”
How strange to view loneliness as a strength! The hope is that enlightened reasoning will enable us to rise above such primitive fears and limitations, and “deal with questions about how to live authentically, how to confront one’s inner life, and how to approach the problem of death.” A popular school of psychology now uses this approach with “Terror Management Therapy” (TMT). Loneliness is our need “to become” or “to be” significant, they say:
The lonely individual seeks to grasp some meaning in the face of life’s impermanence…and the inevitability of death… Loneliness is not merely a normal part of human life, it is essential for human growth and authentic existence. By truly experiencing loneliness, the individual affirms his being and authenticity. When positively embraced and confronted, loneliness has a salutary role: the integration and deepening of self. Through loneliness, the individual “discovers life, who he is, what he really wants, the meaning of his existence, [and] the true nature of his relation with others.
Can the “deepening of self” resolve my loneliness as TMT claims? This is the epitome of a Work Substitute solution for loneliness! (Not surprisingly, high-achieving, high-functioning males invented it.) Normal people would never say loneliness is “a subjective and multidimensional state involving emotional distress, social inadequacy, interpersonal isolation, and self-alienation” the way these academics define it. Rather, “loneliness is when dad is home” describes the family’s reaction to their cold-hearted Work Substitute father.
Social scientists claim loneliness originates from poor social structures outside the individual:
“Sociological perspectives are concerned with social and environmental forces that increase or intensify the prevalence of painful feelings associated with being isolated or feeling alienated from others.”
These social engineers believe in building new social systems to pull isolated people into society, so government action is required. Is this not another Work Substitute approach to emotions? (Only the Work Substitute feels loved by building systems.) Nobody else would feel loved by the new “environmental forces” erected by the social engineers.
Inadequate solutions are not limited to the secular realm; manmade religions use Spiritual Disciplines to eliminate loneliness. As with the other approaches, loneliness is redefined so it can be managed through rigorous, personal effort:
The man who fears to be alone will never be anything but lonely, no matter how much he may surround himself with people. But the man who learns in solitude and recollection, to be at peace with his own loneliness, and to prefer its reality to the illusion of merely natural companionship, comes to know the invisible companionship of God.” Theresa of Avila.
Why did God create us with an irrepressible need for “merely natural companionship” as Theresa calls it? If human love is an “illusion” as Theresa claims, it means God is sadistic for planting that longing in our hearts! If God intended us to know only His “invisible companionship,” why can’t He get to the point and get rid of the need for “natural companionship” distracting us?
These solutions are trite because they avoid the obvious problem: loneliness means we are alone! It isn’t perceived, and it’s not an illusion. It’s not rectified by complex social structures. Loneliness is a personal problem, it’s deep, and it pierces the core of our being. It is, in fact, a built-in alarm that we need intimacy. Loneliness is a signal that our hearts are broken.
Real Solutions
From the beginning God defined real loneliness:
And the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be by himself: I will make one like himself as a help to him.” Genesis 2:18 (BBE)
Real loneliness is simply the man “by himself,” God said, and it’s not His will for anyone. Nobody should have to feel lonely, according to God: “it is not good!”
His solution is not the complex social structures or deep, inner “solitude and recollection” of Spiritual Disciplines. He defines loneliness as it really is, and He also offers real solutions as simple as finding a spouse and building together a powerful love relationship called intimacy:
“At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.” Genesis 2:23-25 (NLT)
God’s solution stands apart from the crowd. It’s not complex or abstract, and it goes to the core of our deepest desire: to be intimate with another living, breathing human soul, from whom nothing is hidden or needs to be hidden. Clearly someone is wrong here: either the God of the Bible who says loneliness is an abnormal and unwelcome state, or these modern thinkers who view loneliness as a necessary pain.
Owner of a Lonely Heart
One singer called himself the “Owner of a Lonely Heart,” and he nailed it. He knew loneliness followed him wherever he went, whoever he was with, and it wasn’t a pretty picture. He just couldn’t understand where it came from or how to resolve it.
By necessity an ungrateful heart is a lonely heart. We feel lonely because, as Paul made the point earlier, ingratitude rules the heart and builds a calloused, unfeeling, indifferent way of relating to the world around. Ingratitude begins with God, but it spreads to relationships everywhere.
Normal people know loneliness hurts, and they know it’s not reduced by mere redefinition. There are more common ways to carry a lonely heart and still make life work, and these strategies grow into habits which get hardened and become lifestyles, as Paul says: “they would not give thanks!” No sir, no way! That is spoken with determination, and determination is willpower hard to bend.
It is an ironic, almost insane fact that people consistently solve loneliness by turning inward rather than outward. As the brief survey above demonstrates, the solutions people use to fight loneliness are always self-based, not others-based. This hardly makes sense by the most obvious standard of loneliness as “being alone.” And once deeply entrenched inside our lonely hearts, we then ask, “Why can’t I reach out to other people, even though I know how lonely I am?”
The Birth of Loneliness
We do not feel indebted to anyone, anywhere, and this foundation was established long ago. It formed in the earliest stages in life, when love was first poured out freely by the parents. It was at that time we learned to interpret love as something owed, not freely given. It’s a fascinating paradox that parents feel such deep love for their children, while at the same time children don’t feel the love — they feel honored instead!
Our attitude is, “God cares for me and I deserve it!” This is the source of the thin love of man: failure to be thankful…We react in the very same way in relation to our parents: “Daddy and mommy love me, and I sure do deserve it!” If we don’t grow from this infantile , sinful, love-taking reaction, we still feel this way: “I deserve something!” Ankenman-Identity
Legalism
People make Herculean efforts to avoid falling into debt to God, and they do it through harsh, manmade religions. By offering God a religious performance rather than authentic, heart-felt gratitude, it’s possible to maintain a respectful distance. It’s an historical anomaly that the more rigorous and harsh religions attract more followers than the simple message of God’s love made freely available by grace. The reason is simple: legalistic traditions keep people from owing God anything.
God is unimpressed by our self-justification and good works. Instead, he longs for a thankful heart that comes from a deep love relationship with Him:
I will praise the name of God with song and magnify Him with thanksgiving. And it will please the LORD better than an ox or a young bull with horns and hoofs. Psalms 69:30-31
Isn’t it intuitively clear that thankfulness will “magnify Him,” but self-justification only magnifies ourselves? If so, why pursue it? Quite simply, to practice thanksgiving instead would feel unnatural at best, and probably repulsive.
Legalism is a way of life that spreads into human relationships as well, and for the same unthankful reasons. In our heart of hearts, we firmly believe we deserve to be loved.
Infinite rights
Ingratitude is a highly rights-oriented viewpoint. “I deserve better!” the ungrateful heart says.
But where are these rights defined? Ask the ungrateful person this question, and you’ll get a list of arbitrary answers, all imaginary and many conceived spontaneously on-the-spot, yet held with great conviction as if they were known before the dawn of time.
The right to feel hurt or angry is so arbitrary and spontaneous because the ungrateful heart is satisfied with nothing less than a blank check for payment. As much as we try to provide rationale, these rights are truly irrational because they are so emotionally valuable. They don’t make cognitive sense, and nobody could dispel them through sheer reason, but rights-oriented thinking has played a significant and long emotional history in our inner world of loneliness. We dare not release those comforting rights!
It isn’t any specific rights which buttress the loneliness deep inside. It is an orientation towards the outside world, a way of thinking dominated by personal rights. This is evident in the way personal rights get arbitrarily attached to floating issues, which makes it forever impossible to find personal satisfaction and terminate the loneliness. “You’re so hard to please!” is another way people tell you the same thing.
Consider silly Jonah, the Old Testament prophet. Here was a guy so consumed with his arbitrary, personal rights, he ends up loving a gourd! A gourd is a fairly useless vegetable. It sounds crazy, but this is what happens when a rights-oriented view has nowhere else to anchor itself. Throughout the book of Jonah, God persistently corners Jonah and repeatedly knocks down Jonah’s formidable pillars of rights. In the end, we read this absurd conversation between God and Jonah:
But God said to Jonah, “Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?” “I do,” he said. “I am angry enough to die!” Jonah 4:9 (NIV)
The absurdity of that conversation is evident reading it in an isolated context, but Jonah of course could never see the absurdity from within his rights-oriented world. Deep inside was a twisted, knotty logic that justified dying for the “vine” (literally, a “gourd”). Those rights are often so irrational and foolish, it’s no wonder we feel so lonely! We dare not tell anyone else — they would laugh!
Biblical Rights
Not surprisingly, the scriptures don’t embrace rights:
As currently discussed, rights are a product of the Enlightenment. The Scriptures speak so little about rights that it would scarcely be an exaggeration to say that “rights” are not a scriptural concept. What the Scriptures speak of are duties and justice: “He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8).
The only rights we have standing before God is the right to go to hell. This is justice, pure and simple, if we wish to invoke justice.
“But that’s unfair!” people scream. They mean this: “If you don’t love me God, you’re not a good God! You must love me! I deserve it!”
God has an answer to these charges:
But to the wicked God says, “What right have you to tell of My statutes and to take My covenant in your mouth? Psalms 50:16
Would we instruct the lawmaker about the law?
A Simple Evaluation
There is an easy way to prove how arbitrary our rights-oriented logic can be. Try this in a cell group or perhaps with your spouse:
- Identify the last time you felt really hurt or angry. Remember how it felt?
- On a piece of paper write down precisely which rights were violated that triggered or justified such strong feelings.
- Ask someone to play the role of a sharp lawyer in court testing the precise, unambiguous meaning of your rules, looking for any possible loopholes.
- Re-write the rules to close the loopholes and give your lawyer another chance. Precision is important with rules, of course.
- Re-write the rules one last time and now look at them: ask yourself where on earth these rules can possibly be found clearly codified and endorsed like you felt they were when you were so hurt and angry?
If your lawyer was any good, your once-clean list of violations now look like a spaghetti bowl of confused, impossible-to-satisfy and very immature demands. You would never submit to a list like this from someone else!
Is it beginning to make sense why these personal rights we cherish so dearly are actually imprisoning us inside a lonely world nobody else can share?
When I was 14, I decided I didn’t want friends. I think I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to make new friends in high school, so instead of trying, I pretended my lack of friends was my choice. I still had a few casual relationships, but I didn’t let anyone get close to me. And I didn’t try to get close to anyone else. I knew it was wrong but I did it any way. Of course, by my last year of high school I was extremely lonely and probably depressed. Toward the end of the year, I told God I knew I was wrong and I wanted to change. I started college just as shy as I started high school, but I finally wanted to pursue relationships. I realized it was what I was made for — it was God’s will for me. I can’t believe how many good friends God has given me since that time. I’ve felt lonely since, but only when I’m not depending on or being vulnerable with my friends.
I’m sure you were depressed. It’s inevitable to slowly wind down if you don’t find the significance and feedback friendships can give you, and mom & pop’s love simply won’t cut it anymore after a certain point.
Thanks for sharing that Kalie. I do wonder, however, why would you make such a horrible decision at age 14?
“Each new relationship is so promising, but in fact it’s tainted by the terrible weight of loneliness she brings from her growing collection of unhappy relationships.”
I can sure identify with that sentiment.
I was very alone as a child - my parents divorced when I was 8 -This divorce was very tramatic; I don’t even recall several years of my life - at least not very well. I do, however, remember feeling so alone. I spent a lot of time with God. At first that sufficed, but I needed someone to love - needed someone there to tell me I was important - that I mattered.
At times I thought my head would explode; it was the late seventies, Leonard Nimoy’s voice boomed in my head as he described spontaneous human combustion. I actually believed that I would explode as I sensed my head pounding, the flow of my blood rushing past my ears. I later would learn this was anxiety; I was afraid and physically affected by my loneliness and lack of security - I was nothing.
I always kept a cool distance from people - letting myself engage others - but never sharing myself deeply or getting to know them well. I’m not even sure if I knew how to relate to my peers - I was so alone. I meant nothing. Whatever.
I threw myself into knowledge and I devised a plan to escape - then somewhere else and as someone else - I would be someone! I needed no one as “they” only leave you - helpless and alone. I wouldn;t make that mistake again.
My father left me twice - first when he and my mother divorced - second when I was 14 and he told me he was moving to “Blessed California” - he wanted me to tell my brothers that he was leaving us again. My mother was suing him for back child support; it was the ression of the 80’s and he had been out of work due to an injury (he’d broke his neck and could not work for 9 months). My world fell apart - everyone I loved sucked. Everyone I trusted left me.
I cared for my family; took care of my little brother; I cooked; I cleaned; I had straight A’s, played vollyball. I worked at Montgomery Wards and was the good girl. I went to church and I stayed in my room and read books and wrote poetry.
I was the perfect daughter, yet I was the most miserable creature to ever walk this earth. I held on to the hope that I would matter in college and that I could find significance there. Boys used me; I was easy and vulnerable prey. I wanted to be loved. I was also sick of being good.
This is when I truly decided to use people and to be alone. I only needed myself and I deceived myself that I was strong and content - even happy. I would not be physically alone - I could have “associates” and my boy toys - but they were only props in some sort of sick drama that I controlled. When things didn’t go according to my script, I’d ditch that friend or that guy as quick as I could. I only needed myself.
I used to wear the badge of “loneliness” or of self-reliance as a mark of honor. I didn’t need anyone, I only needed me, myself, and I. I was going be somebody - somebody who doesn’t need you!
I meant nothing. I became nothing - I called out to God.
That was the year I first came to Xenos - 1987. God heard a miserable, prideful, bitter animal - a child of rage and destruction - he brought me up and out of that.
Yes - I remember bitter loneliness. God is good.
It’s so cool to see how the Lord’s been stirring your heart, Lisa. And such a heart there is to stir, too! I just praise God for your joy and the freedom He’s provided you from so much loneliness and dead-ends…exactly what I’m afraid most people consider “normal”. The Lord’s going to use you to set other captives free, too.
It is always stunning to look back on your life after you have received Christ. You begin to see how He was always there, and sometimes even orchestrating events so that we would come to the point of calling out to Him for deliverance. I can so identify with the loneliness. My family is large - six children, mom and dad married for 60+ years before my dad died, but without relationships with one another. My dad was super critical, angry, depressed - especially when he returned from WW11 with a painful back injury. Mom was functional. I was a diffuse sanguine and put all my investment into friends. My world began to fall apart when my dad got transferred to Cleveland, Ohio and I had to move from Iowa to Ohio the day after my graduation. Living in a strange town, working a job I didn’t like, with no friends, sent me into extreme loneliness and a sense of no hope. A guy from my home town started writing to me, visited me in Cleveland, and asked me to marry him. To me he was home. We didn’t have a relationship. But I married him. So, I went from extreme loneliness to what felt like death. I am sure I was in a deep depression for several years. I had no idea of how to love a man or build my own PLV. I had no category for PLV. That marriage didn’t last and five years later I married a second husband, who was tribal. With this marriage I built a home according to his specs. We had two sons and this marriage was like my parent’s marriage, i.e., lots of fights. This husband tried to mold me into his image and I resisted. But I called out to the Lord and He made himself known to me. When I became a Christian I knew I had “found my home.” The bible was alive to me and Christ was my love. There continued to be battles in the home, but they were different. I wanted Christ to be the head of the home. I did many things wrong, and Ankenman came on the scene and I began to learn how to love God’s way. The war between the flesh and the Spirit is great, but I was determined to honor God, love my husband, and train my kids. Looking back on my life, I can see that loneliness and depression are the result of not knowing God and loving others his way. I am very thankful for the years I had to spend in the “wilderness” to come to the point where I understood “apart from Christ I can do no good thing.” I am so grateful for your vulnerability, Lisa and Kalie. We are all cut from the same cloth and have suffered from the same “afflictions” which, in the long run, drove us to the One who could heal us. I am also so grateful for the people in the Community of Believers who are patient and graceful to us as we learn how to love God’s way.
[…] its immune system and large array of crippling maladies, as research has demonstrated (see Loneliness). These young adults become new patients at Dr. Ankenman’s clinic, crippled with emotional […]
i figured alot with most of you and could see myself hvin written all this, esp wat lbeech says. Being lonely is hurting and sooo painful.I live in the worlds second most populated country and yet i am all by myself most of the time. While everyone walks in groups of not less then 5 i usually walk with my shadow, for me it mainly physical loneliness and then lack of emotional support.People who were my friends(ex-friends) make fun of me that im a loner etc.They became my ex friends bcos we disagreed on everything or rather i was too proud too agree on anything.
When i was in school n college i had good no. of intimate friends, once i joined work it kept bcomin narrower and narrower till today i cant even point one person and say we are mutual friends it always is one-sided.
How did it come to this? i got anxiety attacks wondering what happend to u oh popular steady girl? my sisters wer envious that i always had good buddies now they think am one depressd lonely nomad.
I was baptised in college almost 10 years ago and since then i have become very choosy abt friends, is it my self righteousness - i think so. My innate nature has been to b very proud and stubborn.I also felt i dont need anyone but God. Nobody is in the same frequency as me, why bother makin them understand who i am.
So whats the solution to fighting loneliness?. Everybody says the Lord will deal but i love the Lord and i Know its His love that contrains me to love Him- why am i still so alone..i console myself by saying He is testing me- He is teaching me to rely more on Him(i hv tendency to get influenced by others easily).
Its been tough, i become bitter easily and then angry at the world.I keep thinkin its bcos of the way i look that ppl dont want to befriend me since i hv several email / phone pals.
Well ive been facing this for 4 years nw and somehw this yr ive been beginning to get more positive abt this. The Lord is the Comforter and He is showin me things abt me i need to change. Talking about deep-rooted change, its quite difficult and even one day i dont read His word i fall prey to my pride and a fresh burst of anxiety attack. Am pressing on forward to the riches set before me, for me this the good fight i have to fight- my self!
Dear Roshalone: I can so identify with your feelings of loneliness. I spent years feeling unloved and not known. I always liked people a lot, and was outgoing, so could hide my loneliness. Then I realized, like you have, that I didn’t know how to love anyone. I realized that I was selfish and self-centered. I asked God to teach me how to love his way. He began to show me that I was not the center of the universe, and that I needed to think about how to sacrifically love others, regardless of how they treated me. It was a process of deciding to love others as God loved me - being kind, gracious, giving others the benefit of the doubt, asking questions rather than assuming I knew what they were thinking or why they did whatever they did. I would get so angry and God told me I needed to use my negative anger force (things didn’t go my way) to redemptive emotional force (what do you need?). I think those are enough words for now. I hope you will respond and we can dialogue about this. Loneliness is the emotion that says “Nobody loves me.” Joy is the emotion that says “I can love anyone no matter how they treat me.” Let’s talk.
Hi Katey downs, thanks for pulling me up. The day i wrote that i was realllllly down and crying in my cube in office. I actually expected someone to comfort me , but noone did. There have been times in the past 4 yrs where ive seen people avoid me like the plague. I stay awake at night wondering if i had done something in a certain way which should have offended people hence i should avoid doing that - but it never is the solution.
I am generally a quiet and introvertish kind of person, i dont care about alot of worldly things and kepy reminding myself how good and clean i am. Now its backfiring on me. I dont think i have ever been a selfish self centered person, infact was brought up to b well mannered and good morals but our house was a denominational christian house and my folks worshipped idols n stuff. Anyways the thing is i dont know why people are moving away from me, its like a sting and everytime sombudyy i really like and i try 2 get friendly wid them, they do something dat hurts me no end and then i open notepad and write - i hate them i hate this world get lost get out of my life..
im writing this nw and think hw insane i am..but in a fit of anger u cud even take a gun ..i always pray “Lord i want to be a testimony in my house” my family is not saved. You knw hw He replies - with a measuring tape - rosh this is what u have to lose to be a testimony!!…The Lord is so good !! and its only becos of Him that i hvnt done anythin drastic like puttin an end 2 my life.
To cut a long story short i dont know how to get this physical comfort i keep yearning for. Or maybe im filling myself up with other things other then the Lord. Sometimes i wonder whom have i become - the world sets standards - good bad ugly..according to those standards i am losing my senses. I duno why im alone, why is the Lord punishing me? what is He teaching me? am i too individualistic? am i a pushover? i dont care abt all these painful life lessons as long as its the right path..tht worries me too. What if the Lord is correcting me bcos i hv strayed?..someone told me all the answers are alrdy answered in His word and in our mingled Spirit - again ther i go anxious dat im doing smthing wrong and even a failure before God.
i am not sure if you got my email id Katey but i guess me posting here continuosly is goin to be a bit too negative, its nice to read testimonies nt as wat i hv written.
Dear Roshalone: I remember Dr. Ankenman saying once, “It’s a wonder we are not all insane because of the craziness in the world.” People in cubes don’t know what to say when someone is crying or depressed. It’s much like going to a funeral when you don’t know God. You don’t know what to say to comfort the relatives of the person who died. And, for the most part, the people in the office are most likely thinking about themselves, not you, so don’t worry about if you have offended anyone - unless, of course, you did say something smart-aleky to a person. You probably would know if you did that, being brought up to be “well mannered with good morals. But what about that stuff about your folks worshipping idols? How mixed up is that? I’ll tell you what. You are a Christian and so you have the authority to love people no matter how they treat you. Read Luke 6:27-38. You are letting other people influence you - even to the point of hatred! That is deep pain there. It does hurt to be rejected. Help me understand something. You said you were brought up in a denominational Christian home, yet say your family is not saved. I don’t get that. I do get that you have a relationship with the Lord and he is holding you close. Are you in NeoXenos? Do you talk to people about what is going on in your heart? And, Roshalone, we all stray but we have a Good Shephard that watches over us and pulls us out of ditches. He knows your name and He delights in you. Hope you are having a better day today.
[…] the NeoZine article on Loneliness for some research. [↩]See recent PBR broadcast. […]
[…] or two hours with a patient, rather than rushing through three or four per hour. [↩]See the NeoZine article on Loneliness for research. [↩]See recent PBR broadcast about how neuro-imaging and genetics research […]